And so we have reached the end of what has been an amazing season of moustache growing. Hello, I'm Dunk Shetland, and this...is the Movember Molympics.
That was the Moustachioed Symphony Orchestra with the official anthem to tonight's proceedings.
Well what an amazing month it has been. Men all over Australia, and the world, have grown moustaches for charity (although any moustache growth out of Australia would be sheer coincidence, and not for charity). In fact, if you laid all the mo hair grown over this month end to end, you would have a very dirty floor to clean. ROFLCOPTOR. (do it again. properly, this time) ...hair grown over this month end to end, you'd have enough hair to end world hunger in Uganda.
We here at the Movember Molympics have been inundated with thousands of entries from all over Australia. They've all been marvellous, and there's been a few shit ones as well. But we're not here to celebrate shit this month. Incidentally, tune in later this month for our Faeces-cember celebrations. But tonight, we'll be celebrating the best of the best of the best moustaches. And we'll be awarding the best mo of the month of the year with The Grand Prize. Stay tuned to this page folks, because it's gonna get hairy.
Before we show this year's finalists, I should note that I haven't been shown any of the entries, so my reactions tonight will be very real and very ad-libbed.
Clunky exposition aside, we've got a phone call. Hello, you're on the air.
Hi. I was wunderin if I coold, like, enter the comp?
Umm, I think you're at the wrong contest. This is Mo-vember here, not Ho-vember (oh...). Grow a moustache (oh yes...) then you can enter (oh my god, harder...). And please stop having that sex over the phone - I can hear you groaning. There are children watching this. And for the love of God, can't this writer think of anything slightly more relevant?! (TAB: Inspiration)
*ahem*
Anyway, onward and forward to our first contestant. Shannon is from Richmond. Shannon works at oil-rig worker as an petty-cash officer and canteen assistant. Shannon's hobbies include dynamite fishing, flexing muscles and decoupage. Pretty impressive for an eight year-old. Shannon also insists that Shannon is never referred to in the third person, and that we always use Shannon's name when referring to Shannon. Ladies and gentlemen, here Shannon is, Shannon from Chadstone:
Right, we're going to have to disqualify Shannon's entry. The rules specifically mention that nobody, other than the Movember contestant, is allowed in the entry photo. It's a shame, too, because that was a pretty awesome mo Shannon's got there.
Anyway, on to our next contestant: Nick is from Melbourne. He is currently completing his masters in philosophy. His id is a light hue of blood orange. He can speak fluent Wingdings, is so post-modern that he's old-skool, and can spot the phallic reference in any movie in existence. He also believes that contests are a stain on society, and that people shouldn't attempt to compete against each other in any arena, as any prize, material or immaterial, is rendered futile by the inevitability of death and the decomposition of the body and the apparent-soul, as well the impending destruction of the End of the World when the Sun expands, which will vaporise every trace of human existence. That is why he has sent us this picture of an infant poking, Facebook style, a kitten, which is being stabbed in what appears to be its Broca's Area with...a USB stick.
Quickly escaping from that, it's time to update the progress of our international mo-grower, Daniel from Paris, Texas. Let me remind you that that region has got very few people able to grow moustaches, and that moustache hair is highly sought after, with a good handlebar mo going for about 75c a kilo. Daniel states that he likes Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. He has also says that he's based his life entirely on the lyrics of Escape (The Pina Colada Song), and plans to make his wife change her name to Rupert Holmes. Comforting. Last time we checked, he had grown a porn-tache so great, we couldn't show it on TV. It is, however, available from your local sex shop.
Anyway, let's see how that's mo's developing:
Ugh, that's...*throws up*
It appears that Daniel has had his moustache ripped from his face by the locals...and he also seems to have fallen in some kind of Fountain Of Youth, until pre-pubescence by the look of things.
We'll go to a commercial break to give you, the audience, time to clean up.
Welcome back to the Molympics. We've got a few more contestant to present before we announce the winner.
Maybe it will be Chad from Epping. He says he's been growing his mo for about three years now, and has featured on the cover of The MOnthly three times in a row. Incidentally, his father, Stanley, is the editor of The MOnthly. Mark also asks if I could say hello to his posse, the Rat-tailed Wankers. Well Mark, I'm glad you asked, because I won't, you nepotist arsehole. However, I will show your photo, as the producer is forcing me to.
That's a pretty impressive Mo-nobrow, but we're looking for the best moustache. Try again next time when the local charity decides to replace Movember with Movember.
Our final entry comes from Greg Matthews, former test cricketer and current cricket commentator. Here's the entry from the tied-test hero himself:
That one's for the cricket nerds out there. Yeah, yeah.
And we've got another phone call here. Hello?
Hi. I totally gots a mousetashe now. LOL!
'I HAVE a moustache, now'. 'HAVE'. And besides, we only accept moustaches made of hair, not milk.
But it ain't milk. That's so fattening. No, this mostash is made of seme-
And we've lost contact with our caller. For those of you not viewing the programme with the Subtext(tm) feature turned on, we've cut the connection. This programme is family entertainment, we can't have talk of adult behaviour like semen, deepthroating, bukake parties, swingers parties, the Liberal party or penetrative docking here (TAB: Don't search that last phrase up on Google, lest your head spin in disgust/lose your virginity. Same with the one before it)
And now, after all this padding of airtime because my producer told me to, it's finally that time of the night, where we announce the winner of The Movember Molympics. They will walk away, or more accurately, receive at their house from a courier, the Grand Prize:
*rummages in pockets*
This Kinder-Surprise toy!
And the winner is:
*drumroll please*
Paula from...somewhere near...places. And what a great mo she's got. Like a horse from a sixties TV show (of course, of course) being allowed its last words before being sent to the glue factory, we'll let this horse/image speak for itself.
Congratulations to our winner, and to all the people out there who did their part for Movember. The Gods are certainly smiling down on you tonight. We'll leave you tonight with a picture of my handlebars:
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen!
Some housekeeping: Remember, kids and litigious types, this is intended to be a piece of satire. The people described in the text are not real and have no relation to the people/objects pictured. The pictures' source can be accessed by clicking on the picture. And the fourth-last to second-last images are clearly altered with Microsoft Paint. Play nice, now.