Endorse Your Fruit (aka. A Satirical Spoof Bukake Party)

Pick up lines not to use at your local election night party:
"Hey baby, you wanna see my opinion poll? It's a foot-long, and it's only at 54%, oh yeah"
"I'm throwing a threesome with me and Antony Green. You want in?"
"I say, your mammaries are making the blood swell into my pelvic region. May I insert my phallus into your orifice, perchance?"
"Check out my Pork Barrel, mama!"

Disclaimer: If you're here expecting hard-hitting political analysis, don't. Just don't.

One more day, ladies and gentlemen. ONE MORE FREAKING DAY until it's upon us. Oh yes, I've been eagerly awaiting that One Day In November for a good year or so now, and it's almost finally here. If you're expecting me to lead into something completely unrelated to the election (eg. Post-Thanksgiving, Turkey's Teacher's Day, The Day After November 23!), prepare to be bitterly disappointed, because, yes, I'm talking about Election 07: Australia Edition (as opposed to Election 08: Pakistani Edition).

Amidst the 'Rudd Is My Sexy Sexy Man Studd Bud' badges and 'Liberal: The Political Party That Won't Eat Your Babies And Conscript Your Parents Into Working At The Underground Mines And Plunge Our Economy Into The Commie Red Kevin Rudd Suxxorz On Teh Bal1z0rz' banana stickers (rolls straight of the tongue, doesn't it?), there hasn't been much else going on.

Sure Tony Abbot said a swear on live TV (his rebuttal), and sure Mr and Mrs John Winston Howard came out of the closet in support of each other (here's a photo from their wedding night). But where's the passion, the heart, the mud slinging that would put Tuesday nights at Scores to shame? It's elections like these where I begin to really miss the classic put downs and insults from The Great One himself, Paul Keating (reminiscing).
Overall, it's been a boring campaign. Barren, if you will (though at the same time, that allegation came from The Hefferhorn, he who said that priests should be allowed to have sex because they "wake up with a horn at four in the morning", so it hasn't been completely without horrific mental pictures - speaking of which).

So, like any other bored child (not the best segue from talking about horny priests), I went to my laptop and looked up some porn (again with the morally murky segues). After I got bored, I decided to research me some satirical videos.
A foreword: This was done earlier this month, until otherworldly commitments began to take over. So unless someone is prepared to sponsor this space (because not unlike the Labor party, I'm selling out. Yeah!), you'll have to be content with slightly stale, yet still edible if you use it in a blueberry pie, other people's political satire in video form (cos I certainly can't think of anything relevant, witty, et al. by myself ).

First off, a primer for those of you unfamiliar with this MyFaceTubular election:



And a how to for political campaigning:



Speaking of furry animals:



If children's pop ain't your flava...bling...hŏs...nī'jər...some other stereotypical gangster phrase which will make me sound even more white?



A debate on Newstopia, probably the funniest show on Aussie TV at the moment (though they don't have much competition at the moment, do they?)



Another Micallef gem. Scarily still relevant despite it being done back in 2000:



More ovary-exploding Howard shenanigans (Warning: May induce heavy vomiting/pregnancy):



Not everyone is impressed by the way Howard uses his walk (that he's a woman's man, no time to talk)
(Language warning: English):



Though you can never have enough Howard bashing, we might as well take a break with some Rudd lovin':



Continuing with the ethnic theme:



Time for a breather. Here's some more Micallef funny:



Here's the obligatory Chaser clip that every political clip show must have, by law:



Okay, I got bored and looked up porn:



And as we approach the climax of this election (smooth transition, I know), we remember the past, and hope we don't make the same mistakes as we've made the past several times:



Despite what Mr. Newspoll and his bastard son Galaxy poll have to say, Camp Liberal still have an ace or two up their sleeve:



And like every other variety show, best-of montage, and barely read blog, let's end with a musical number. Here's Dan Kelly and the Alpha Males with Drunk On Election Night.
(Contains naughty words, though done oh so sweetly):

It isn't comedic, I know. But it's fitting. Let's hope it isn't telling of tomorrow night.


Come tomorrow, there'll be a change in the wind. If Liberal wins, there'll be overcast times, with the economy most likely plateuing if not hitting recession land due to inflationary pressures, barely anything material being done to battle climate change, and the health system still being in shambles; or if Labor wins, there'll be overcast times, with the economy most likely plateuing if not hitting recession land due to inflationary pressures, barely anything material being done to battle climate change, and the health system still being in shambles, what with their me too-ism MO.

One last quote to lave with you from the boys at Boxcutters: "Australia has a very clear choice on Saturday, and we've got a real chance to do something here, and I'd hate for Australia to wake up on Sunday morning and realise they had done the wrong thing. So I'm urging everyone to think about...your actions, and for the love of God, do not watch Mel and Kochie's election night crapathon"; "It's gotta be Antony Green and the ABC Team"



I'm excited about Election07! Are you?



Bonus content:
Another Chaser clip (slightly out of sync)
Why democracy is flawed
Endorse Your Fruit (the inspiration for this post's title)
Reasons You Will Hate Me (she who originally thought of the first half of the third pick-up line)
I can't believe it's not copyright infringement

Agoraphobia: Fear of (My)Space

...be my friend?
Ladies, gentlemen and etc. I am a changed man. I have played the part of the sheep and joined the many, many folk and jumped on the latest Internet fad. That's right, I've got me a MySpace account. Please don't hate me

Why, I hear you (i.e. myself) ask? Considering the potential risks I put to myself by parading my ego on such a site, what with all the MySpace fights (just like a normal fight, but a lot nerdier) and impostor accounts and whatnot. But I've taken several hits for this blog (note to self: insert hits here in future), so for you, loyal readers, I'm willing to take another one. That, and I was peer pressured into getting one.

Three months into creating my Area of Narcissism Mk 2, I'm still dumbfounded as to that particular factor that makes it so addictive for the children, like MSN Messenger did back in the day. Or crack. There have been a few things that have caught my eye, though.

For one, there does seem to be a morbid obsession concerning friend counts. At the moment, I have a total of 23 friends. Yet I see accounts which have friends ranging into the thousands. There's even this one guy who has 149,079,780 friends. He must be a super cool person if so many people are friends with him. Even I'm one of his friends, and I can't even recall meeting him. He's just that awesome, I presume. Some narks reckon though that he is automatically added as a friend when you create your account. But those people just can't handle the AwesomeSauce that is Tom.
It isn't only people with lots of friends that garner lots of attention. There was a curious project that I tripped upon one day in my miscellaneous Internet adventures (yes, I managed to force myself off MySpace for more than five seconds): The SportsRacer Holiday MySpace Adoption Program. It was a call to arms on The Show With Ze Frank for viewers to nominate people with very few MySpace friends for a mass adoption. Wanna know how that ended up? (*this is a spoiler alert. do not panic. look away calmly if you do not want to know the results. avert your eyes if you treasure your innocence. this is a spoiler alert. you have been warned*) The adoptees were freaked out (*that was a spoiler alert. return to your normal lives, or however normal it can be*)
Which raises the question? Why the hooha over how many friends you have? Sure it may provide a platform to meet old people you may have lost contact with or, for more advanced players, to even meet new people. Though I willing to assume that for many MySpace users, the friends count is there to brag to your other friends how many friends you have. I can imagine the schoolyard (cat)fights now:
Kid A: Hey, someone wants to add me as their friend. That brings the count up to 50,000. Hooray! Hey Kid B, I've just got me 50,000 friends.
Kid B: Only 50,000. You're such a loser. I've got 435,678 friends. Much better than your piece of shit.
Kid A: Oh yeah. Well on my old MySpace account, I had 1,543,435 friends.
Kid B: Nuh uh, assface.
Kid A: Uh huh, turdburgler.
Me: Settle down kids. Sure you may have lots of "friends" (to self: i'm guessing it's the razor sharp wit that attracts them), but how many of these so called friends do you actually know and keep in constant contact with?
(beat)
Kid B: I was in contact with your mum, last night.
Me: Why you litt - (Censored. there may be actual people reading this. i can't expose them to gratuitous violence, unless they request it...)
(Cleaning self up)
My point is, it isn't the number of friends that count, it's the time and effort that you spend with people that determines whether they are your true friends or not. That and year 8 and 9 kids can bee annoying little shits at times (but we all knew that already, didn't we?)

There's also seems to be this mentality of getting your MySpace space, throwing shit, faeces and more shit onto it, and basically seeing what sticks (case in point - not recommended for people with slow computers, epilepsy or eyes). You know who I blame for all this, MTV. Damn them with their R&B video clips and their varying degrees of celebrity. Also, damn them for turning the word "pimp" into a verb and popularising the thing. Thanks to them, it's suddenly hip* to go medieval on one's MySpace page, hurling whatever music, movies, images of people onto their pages.
In some cases, it's alright. It lets you know what the person is all about. But in other cases, it's the equivalent of the middle-aged businessman or car geek buying and p-word-ing a really big sports car, overcompensating for something. I'll leave that something up to you reader folk. Comment on that, if you will.


Despite this, there's got to be some perverse delights to be gotten from MySpace other than by pleasuring yourself (in a G-rated above-the-pants way, of course**) by viewing your own profile and watching the profile views part grow.
Well, there is the opportunity to post on your friend's comments page. However, this would probably result in a conversation via the comments page, for all the public to see. It'll like eavesdropping, except you only get to hear one side of the conversation. So many comments that can be taken out of context.
I'm still waiting for the day I see a really exciting comments page conversation. I've already mentioned the organised fights. Bring on the one-sided stalking, relationship starts, relationship ends and marriage proposals, I say. In fact, here's a game to play. Get a one-sided conversation (a least 5-comments long) and make up the other side of it. an example will be provided as soon as I can be bothered.

Well, I'm past that three month anniversary of the New Me: The pimped-up, friend laden, publicly exposed me. Here's to another few months of MySpace before me and my short attention span get inevitably get over MySpa - Ooh, look at the bright orange colours! Hehehehe! LOL!!!! RMAO!!!!!!1!!

More MySpace analysis to come.
P.S. Sorry if I seem to be really cynical and jaded of the experience. I'm just feeling a little lonely right now. After all, I only have 23 friends, according to MySpace...

Some other MySpace pages:
The stereotypical TB***
(imagine something worthy of EPIC LULZ here)


*By using that word, I have now officially lost all hope of ever being considered legitimately cool and popular (that's misleading. that statement assumes I ever had a chance of being popular and cool in the first place)

**Unless it's on Tuesday nights, in which case, the safety word this time is Triangle

***That's Teeny-Bopper btw, not Tuberculosis

A half-decent nerd tale

The disturbing, ranting adventure of a person who walks into a shop and spends...
$74.84. That's how much I spent on a video game. I actually wanted to spend this amount of money, almost half my fortnightly wage, on the game Half-Life 2. This may look like a dramatic step towards nerdism. Luckily, I waited about a week or two before I got the game. No midnight openings for me. Besides, being surrounded by a horde of nerds is...disturbing for an antisocialite like me.
(Posting a post about this game seems like an even bigger step towards nerdism. However, I'm very bored, and the idea of having an Olympics 'joke' as the most recent post doesn't seem too good. Who says that I'm not topical?)
Anyway, two hours after installing the game, after the process that I had to go through to activate the game, I finally got to play. Two hours later, ironically, I can't play the game. Not because I've finished it, but because I'm scared of the game.
That's right. I'm afraid of a video game.
Call me crazy (on top of Antisocial, elitist, time-consuming, and a frequent poster), but the little enemies in that game just give me the creeps. These little black, spider-like aliens have stopped me from playing this game. Isn't this great. I paid $74.84 for a game that I can't play.

Luckily, the 5 CD set came with another game: Counter-Strike Source. An updated version of the online game that has spawned a generation of nasal, smelly nerds (they do have their own smell, like an old person has that smell of geriatricity and mothballs), and even has caused a murder (Apparently, someone was killed by someone else who dressed up in a CS costume).
As it's school holidays, and as I've got Way too much time on my hands (hence this weblog), I decided to give the game a go.
This game is an experience. Not because of the game play, but because of its players. Being the shite player I am, I got to watch the other players play and converse with each other. And let me tell you, it ain't healthy. I've seen more maturity in a group of year 7 and 8 kids. These nerds do nothing but insult each other, throwing insults ("ur gay". "no, ur gy". "no, im not". "yes u r". etc.) and accusations ("HaXoR. Ban the gay HaXoR). I have no idea what the last one means, by the way. It just seems like an insult.
Not to mention what happens when someone brings up technology. I've seen games come to a complete stop as the other players have conversations and 'civilised' debates about video cards. These nerds are very elitist on this topic. I mentioned that I have a Geforce 2 (a rather outdated video card), and everyone pounced on me like geeky vultures on a Playboy magazine. For a good 5 minutes, nerds on their microphones were laughing at me and calling me weird things that I can't remember and understand.
One more tale to bore you all. Whilst playing, a female voice appears among their drone of nerdy, male voices. Immediately after this message was broadcast, society went flying out the window. "omg. r u a grl?". "a girl on cs?". And so on, and so forth. There are girls all over the place. Who cares if there's one playing a video game?

Well, its back to my $74.84 investment. Time to not play a game, and be surrounded by immature, girl-fearing, nasal-voiced nerds.

(I realise the irony of complaining of nerds and playing a nerdish-type game at the same time. So don't bother making a scene out of it)