The countdown

A tale which poses the question: Who actually likes their job?
10 - Ten years I’ve been doing this job. And all of it has been a living hell. Crap conditions and no benefits whatsoever. Why did I even choose this gig?
9 - $9,500. That’s all I get paid for this. Despite all the effort and determination I put into every year, some pimple faced kid at a fast food joint gets paid more than me.
8 - Eight years ago, I had the chance to leave. Why, oh why, didn’t I just run? Was it pride? Was it the love for this job? I feel like such an idiot, now that I look back at that opportunity.
7 - Seven injuries I’ve had on the job. My life has been on the line so many times, but I never get any acknowledgement for this. So many burns, yet I’ve never received even one compo cheque.
6 - Six times I’ve been rejected by ladies that I’ve fallen in love with. None of them liked my job, they said. Only a loser would do what I do, they said.
5 - Five years after I took this job, I finally found the true love of my life. She didn’t care about my job, she cared about me. Either she is lying, or she is much of an ignorant idiot as I am.
4 - Four other jobs I’ve had in the past ten years. They didn’t like this job, either. They wanted me to focus completely on their job, not on this little game. Why did I not listen to them instead of blowing up their cars?
3 - Three kids that I take care of, all of them under 10. Yet they still are ashamed of their father’s part time job. How pathetic. Not even a child who doesn’t know their times tables would do this job.
2 - Two things I hold close to my heart. One is my family. The other is the saying: ‘Don’t dream. Don’t think. Do.’ Well I’m not a hypocrite, so I must do something about this hole I’ve dug myself in.
1 - One hundred thousand people are watching. So here goes nothing. I Quit!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
…
…
“Hey, where are the fireworks?”
“What’s happened? Is the fireworks guy asleep or something!?”

A look-see through 2004

2004: The year of the war-hungry, disaster-prone snake who everyone likes (apparently)
Well, just a couple of hours until 2005 leaps upon us. It’s been an eventful year (like every other year). So what better way to segue out 2004 by writing an analysis of the moments that made us feel things? Well, there’s partying, fireworks, getting hammered, getting together with friends, and so on, but I’ve got bugger all plans, so I’ll go the 42^nd best option.

However, for no real reason, I’ll stay away from tackling the real issues. If you want politics, terrorism and celebrity break-ups, go anywhere else. It feels like every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to pitch in their 2 cents to the debate (or their $50 notes to various charities). But stick around, and you’ll get the hard opinions on:

Music
It’s been a mixed year in terms of the muzak that is asphyxiating our airwaves and CD shops. There have been a lot of goodies, but there has also been an unfortunate uprising of one of the most hideous genres of music. That’s right, wuss rock. We’ve been flooded with this curse, from the crap provided by Hobbastank, to the shonk dished out by Simple Plan [shudder]. Thankfully, most of these bands have failed miserably. When was the last time you heard a second single from Star Sailor or the Ramsus? Unfortunately, the likes of Good Charlotte and Blink 182 (the new depressing punk, not the good stuff they’ve previously done) still exist.

Movies
The stuff on the silver screen, fortunately, has proved much more satisfying than the radio. It has been, inevitably, the year of the documentary, with nearly one documentary released for every two or so feature films.
Some of the top flicks (in my opinion) included: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Shrek 2, Super Size Me, Bad Santa, Shaun of the Dead, and The Incredibles.
Then there are the absolute stinkers, which included: Once Upon A Time In Mexico, Somersault, Taxi (the trailer and plot alone puts this one in the list), and (to a lesser extent) Hellboy.

Well, that’s my view of 2004. Quite empty, isn’t it? But think about it. Who can be stuffed typing a post for a blog on a hot summer night, let alone on New Year’s Eve?

Anyway, have a shiny 2005.

Corporate X-mas: Deleted scene

Because everyone seems to look forward to these on their DVDs, and because I'm a cheap bastard who has to give. Enjoy.
CEO (Santa): …And for those long-winded reasons, next year, my uniform and sleigh will retain the signature Red colour scheme. Anyways, on to more important issues at hand. Manufacturing division, your report, please.
Head of Manufacturing (Elf #42925 Jr.): This year has been very successful for North Pole Enterprises. We have been able to, if you will, kill two birds with one stone.
Santa: Please don’t mention birds or any other edible animal, please. I can’t get off this vegan diet my doctor has force-fed on to me. Those darn kids with their milk and cookies. Each year, I try to resist. But who can resist milk and cookies!? Thanks to that bloody stereotype, I’m not allowed to eat anything that even remotely tastes goo -
[Awkward silence as Santa becomes aware of the strange looks from the board]
Santa (cont.): Sorry. I kind of digressed there for a second. Anyway, please continue number four-two-nine-two-five.
Elf #42925 Jr.: Thank you, sir. Anyway, last year, we had two major problems to overcome. According to accounts, we needed to reduce costs or we would end up broke in the next couple of years. But at the same time, the elf unions demanded higher wages. (To self: Yet you wouldn’t pay up, cheap bastard)
Santa: What’d you say?
Elf #42925 Jr.: Nothing, nothing at all. (ahem) Like I was saying, we’ve solved all of these problems. Around February, North Pole Enterprises were able to acquire a toy manufacturing factory in China. Wage costs alone in those sweatshops are about a third of what we used to pay to the elves.
Unfortunately, this has left many, many elves homeless, forced to live in shoddily built snow caves.
Vice President (Dixen): Don’t worry about that. We’ve made a deal with the North Pole Crisis Squad to end their suffering.
Elf #42925 Jr.: How, may I ask? Food, shelter, guns? What?
Dixen: By giving each and every stranded elf a million candy canes(!) By eliminating them, of course!
[Awkward silence]
Elf #42925 Jr.: You Bastard. You Sick Bastard! I’ve had it up to here [Raises hand about 72cm off the ground] with your evil dictatorship. It was the only way to provide for my family. But now, you’ve gone too far! I’ll kill you! I swear on Donna’s grave I’ll kill you! All of you!
Dixen: Hey, my sister is still alive, short stuff. You can look me in the shins and insult me, but if you dare mention my family-
Elf #42925 Jr.: [Pulls out pistol] Screw you and all!
Santa: [Into intercom] Security.
[Bang]

[A few minutes later]
Santa: Okay then. [Wipes blood off beard into red uniform] Sorry about that…diversion. Let's move onto Public Relations.
[Stretcher carrying corpse bumps into a door, breaking the tension]

A very corporate Christmas

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Corp is coming to town.
(North Pole Enterprises. Board meting: 7th day of Christmas)

CEO (Santa): …And for those long-winded reasons, next year, my uniform and sleigh will retain the signature Red colour scheme. Anyways, on to more important issues at hand. Manufacturing division, your report, please.
Head of Manufacturing (Elf #42925 Jr.): This year has been very successful for North Pole Enterprises. We have been able to, if you will, kill two birds with one stone.
Santa: Please don’t mention birds or any other edible animal, please. I can’t get off this vegan diet my doctor has force-fed on to me. Those darn kids with their milk and cookies. Each year, I try to resist. But who can resist milk and cookies!? Thanks to that bloody stereotype, I’m not allowed to eat anything that even remotely tastes goo -
[Awkward silence as Santa becomes aware of the strange looks from the board]
Santa (cont.): Sorry. I kind of digressed there for a second. Anyway, please continue number four-two-nine-two-five.
Elf #42925 Jr.: Thank you, sir. Anyway, last year, we had two major problems to overcome. According to accounts, we needed to reduce costs or we would end up broke in the next couple of years. But at the same time, the elf unions demanded higher wages
Fortunately, we’ve solved all of these problems. Around February, North Pole Enterprises were able to acquire a toy manufacturing factory in China. Wage costs alone in those sweatshops are about a third of what we used to pay to the elves. Thanks to this, I’ve heard that profits are up five-fold.
Santa: That’s excellent news. Let’s hope this trend continues as we move on to Public Relations.
Head of Public Relations (Rudolf): PR, as you know, is all about increasing the belief that people hold in our cause. This belief is the main selling point to all our investors. Super Fun Happy Toy Incorporated alone bought an extra 0.7% stake of North Pole Enterprises based on last year’s increase in belief units.
We have had an increase in belief units for this year, but it isn’t as high as we anticipated. The main cause for this lower than expected result is due to the unexpected failure of this year’s propaganda device.
Santa: You mean ‘Choo-Choo Train to Santaland’, that film we spent $40 million on, $10 million of that on that famous actor, Joe Pascipade?
Rudolf: Yes, that one. Despite Mr. Pascipade voicing many of the characters, it failed to hit the adult demographic as hard as it could. And the subliminal messages we planted basically flew over the kids’ heads.
Santa: But those scumbags still got the basic message, right?
Rudolf: Yes, sir, they did. But only at about half the potential.
Santa: Well you better do something better next year. Or your nose won’t be the only thing that’s red. While you’re at it, remind me later to add this Pascipade to the naughty list.
Rudolf: Yessir.
Santa: Okay, Mr. Santa Deployment head, give me the rundown.
Vice-head of Santa Deployment (Bing Bowie): This year, like every year before it, went nearly without a hitch. All the necessary people were trained in our Santa Duplicate Academy, passed with flying colours, and were deployed to the appropriate areas. Additionally, testing for our planned Christmas Cynics Brainwashing Program have yielded good results.
Santa: What about this ‘nearly’ you mentioned at the start?
Bing Bowie: Umm, as usual, there were a couple of incidents where some punk teens stole the duplicates’ fake beards. [beat] But also, you second cousin in Iceland caused some problems. Apparently, one family was dissatisfied with their holiday there. They went on the news about it, and the rest is, well, sensationalist history.
Santa: For the love of...Why am I not surprised that he was involved in this. We might have to get another intervention and AA team on him.
Look, I’ve had enough bad news for now. Let’s take a break. We resume in one hour.
[The rest of the board leaves except for one]
Santa: So, how did your division go?
Head of discreet operations (Juan): Everything is going as planned. We’ve been distributing copies of the standard Christmas conversion projects, ‘Miracle on 34^th Street’ and ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’, to various non-believers. That’s why PR reported that growth.
Santa: And…
Juan: Yes. And we’ve managed to extract some more immortality elixir. You’ll be doing your thing for yet another year.
Santa: Very good. You can go now.
[Juan leaves. Santa leans back on chair and sighs]
Santa: Why did I let them make me change Christmas to this whole corporate bullshit? Christmas Spirit my fat, saggy arse.

and on that rather optimistic note, have a very merry Christmas. watch this space for a special present.