Ingredients for an Olympic coverage: Homeland bias, a touch of politics, and a crapload more homeland bias.
Host: ‘Welcome back to or coverage of the Olympic games. We you enjoyed that last montage of all of the Australian gold medallists. At the last count, that’s the 426th time that we’ve shown that sequence. I think that’s a WORLD RECORD! GO YOU GOOD THING! AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AU… [gurgle…gurgle].
Ahem, sorry about that. Just had to dip my head in freezing cold water to calm myself down. Anyway, I’m sure that we will show you another of those golden sequences, probably the exact same one, in the next half hour or so.
Anyway, what a day it’s been. Full of events, full of controversy, and there’s still a lot more to come. But to recap what’s already happened, let’s go to the newsroom for the latest Olympic news.’
Newsroom girl: ‘Thanks. And what a brilliant effort there by you. Four-hundred-and-twenty-six times. That’s definitely a gold medal effort there by you.’
Host: ‘I know. It’s just so great because the Aussies are so great. COME ON EVERYBODY! SHOW YOUR PRIDE! AUSTRALIANS ALL LET US REJOICE! FOR WE… Hey, let go of me. No! Not the calming cattle prod. Anything but the calming cattle prod! Help. Hel-’
Newsroom girl: ‘Sorry about that. Anyway, back to the latest. The events that have unfolded in the Pool C football match are just too much for words to describe. Just see for yourself. This is the Pool C football match between the United States and Iraq’
Football commentary: ‘We’re half-way through the first half here in this historical match between USA and Iraq. The bangs of gunfire and screams of horror have been replaced with the bangs of kicking and screams of enthusiasm. These Iraqi and American spectators have been treated to a brilliant match. 2-all with twenty minutes to go in this half.
Oh. One of the Iraqis has been given a foul for tripping the American striker. It looked like a dive though, and that’s what the Iraqi thinks too. He’s arguing with the umpire…and he’s been given a yellow card.
And he is not happy. He’s running up to the American and…ooh; he’s thrown a punch. We’ve got a fist-fight now, folks. Scratch that. We’ve got a melee here. Both sides are tearing into each-other. Blood is falling all over the place.
Now the Spectators are joining in. The American fans are getting their pistols out, and the Iraqis are getting their rifles out as well. What has happened? What was once a peaceful match has become a war zone. But what a sight it is though. KILL HIM…KI [bang].
(Oh my goodness…the commentator's been killed with one of them bullets. Someone get a camera in here!’)
Newsroom girl: ‘Disturbing images, there, from the football arena. The results, by the way, are: America 2, Iraq 2; and the death toll is currently at 45. At least Australia wasn’t involved. Wait. I’m just getting some news here… [gasp]. I’ve just heard that one of those killed was an Australian spectator. He seems to be nobody famous, but… [sob]…he’s an Australian. [sob] Back to you in the studio.’
Host: ‘Thanks a lot for the latest. Dramatic stuff there in the football. Reminds me of what happened yesterday in the shooting range. Coincidently, America, Korea and France were competing against each other in the trap shooting. The world record was broken there. The American managed to get 16 confirmed kills in one minute before he was taken down by his own bullet.
Well, onto the next event in our coverage. The boxing has brought out the best in Australian boxing. Fellow Aussie Gorgeous George has reached the semi finals. Gorgeous is now fighting the American Joe Paxton for a place in the finals. We pick up the fight in the third round. Australia leads 42 points to 40.’
Boxing commentary: ‘Welcome back to the arena here. What a fight it’s been. We’re up to the forties in the third round, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop too soon. Punches have been landing here, there and everywhere. [ding]
And there goes the bell. Australia is up by two points. They lead 56 to 54. They’re at their corners now. It…it looks like Gorgeous has received a message. Let’s see if we can get a camera there. Here we go. It looks like a message from Canberra. I can make out a little bit. It says, "Congratulations on the third round lead, but…" [ding].
Well, the bell has gone, and the fourth round has begun. They’re going up to each other, and…wait a minute. Paxton is landing punch after punch. And Gorgeous isn’t doing anything about it! He’s just standing there while being beaten up. And down he goes! It looks like he’s received quite a belting. Brain damage looks quite likely here.
We’ve just got a hold of the rest of that message. It said, ‘Congratulations on the third round lead, but please stop winning. It’s for the good of the nation and for the good of our relationship with America.’ Well, what a turn of events here. Gorgeous has thrown the fight, but for a good cause, apparently. Look at the American, showboating his way around the arena. He’s got a song and dance sequence going right now. Anyway, back to the studio! Goodness, he’s doing a striptease. TAKE IT OFF! Man boobs, man boobs, man boobs...’
Host: ‘A brilliant boxing match there. It’s a shame we didn’t win, but at least we lost to a brilliant opponent. And what dignity he lost with too. He didn’t even put up a fight. It’s time for a commercial break, but before that, we’ve got a dedication to the poor Australian that was involved in the football, quickly followed by the Australian gold medallist’s montage. GO AUSSIE GO! WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA. YOU’LL COME A WALTZING MATILDA WITH ME...’
Friday, August 27, 2004
Saturday, June 26, 2004
The toe-tappingly tragic troubles of a particular type of refugee
For when one super fast doof-doof is already too much
There is something dying on the waves. They desperately try to be noticed and have their voice and complete message heard. But slowly but surely, these have been dying off. The government has done nothing to slow down this purging. I talk about, of course, album versions of songs.
For too long now, radio stations have edited and processed the hell out of the original, on-the-album versions of the latest and greatest songs. Some chopping are subtle and/or necessary (according to law and good taste), but some of the prime cuts absolutely butcher the song; castrating, slicing, dicing and killing the meaning of the song.
Like I said, some of the cuts are necessary, whether it be because of the language (The awkward pause occurs in that crappy, cuss-laden Eamon song at least 30 times. True story.) or the themes of the lyrics (Eminem's 'Stan' had whole lines severed because of the content).
Then comes a recent-ish (I think) version of editing: speeding up songs. Have you ever tuned in to your favourite commercial station (How could you?!), became excited as they played your favourite song that you've memorised every single nuance of, but then realise that the song seems shorter, that the pitch is a little higher? This is the radio station's fault. This speed-up is done to be able to squeeze in more ad time, while unintentionally (or is it?) sacrificing the very nature of a song. WILL YOU LET THIS STAND?
If you think that's bad, brace yourselves for the next radio WMD: Dance mixes. [insert dramatic musical sting]. Imagine a slowish-yet-irresistible song. Got it in your mind? Now imagine that song sped up about two or three times the usual tempo. Ugly, isn't it? Now imagine the song with a crappy drum beat and synth tune. Scared yet? Now remove the most catchy bits of the song. What are you left with? A shell of a poor excuse for a song. Basically, annoying background noise that will haunt you very reality and dreams.
Why have I given you this nightmarish mental image? To prove a point. While I'm making points, let me dedicate this paragraph to 'Song 2' by Blur. You know, the 'woo-hoo' song? I was listening to a commercial station (Forgive me for my sins, readers!). They were airing one of those programs with hours of crappy dance music and remixes. My ears prickled when I heard the familiar guitar riff of said song. I prepared to rock on to the 'woo-hoo' bit; the very essence of the song that makes it so damn delicious. I hear the riff again. No biggie. Then I hear the same riff again. And again. And again. Over and over again. Then the 'cool, hip' choppy version of the starting guitar riff. Five minutes later (yes, that's how long they repeated the riff for), the woo-hoo bit finally played. Unfortunately, by this time, I had already smashed up a couple of things and vomited in rage, so the song was entirely ruined. Five seconds after the woo-hoo bit, there's the transition into the next disaster. Rest in peace Song 2. Your memory and woo-hoo bit lives on.
How many other songs like Song 2 have to suffer the fate of the commercial radio nip & tuck for the sake of squeezing in one more ad, and appealing to the 'Drugged-up raver who isn't even listening to the radio but is instead taking one too many ekkies and frothing at the mouth' demographic. The normal class is being alienated to the point of [shudder] turning off the radio?! [Dun-dun-dun].
So do whatever you have to do to stop this atrocity. Send complaints. Walk in and complain. Start your own community station. Hell, even sulk around and bitch and whine your troubles into your own little bottle that'll end up exploding in a public hissy-fit. We need to get rid of this curse. Screw everything else. This is the real curse on our fair world.
There is something dying on the waves. They desperately try to be noticed and have their voice and complete message heard. But slowly but surely, these have been dying off. The government has done nothing to slow down this purging. I talk about, of course, album versions of songs.
For too long now, radio stations have edited and processed the hell out of the original, on-the-album versions of the latest and greatest songs. Some chopping are subtle and/or necessary (according to law and good taste), but some of the prime cuts absolutely butcher the song; castrating, slicing, dicing and killing the meaning of the song.
Like I said, some of the cuts are necessary, whether it be because of the language (The awkward pause occurs in that crappy, cuss-laden Eamon song at least 30 times. True story.) or the themes of the lyrics (Eminem's 'Stan' had whole lines severed because of the content).
Then comes a recent-ish (I think) version of editing: speeding up songs. Have you ever tuned in to your favourite commercial station (How could you?!), became excited as they played your favourite song that you've memorised every single nuance of, but then realise that the song seems shorter, that the pitch is a little higher? This is the radio station's fault. This speed-up is done to be able to squeeze in more ad time, while unintentionally (or is it?) sacrificing the very nature of a song. WILL YOU LET THIS STAND?
If you think that's bad, brace yourselves for the next radio WMD: Dance mixes. [insert dramatic musical sting]. Imagine a slowish-yet-irresistible song. Got it in your mind? Now imagine that song sped up about two or three times the usual tempo. Ugly, isn't it? Now imagine the song with a crappy drum beat and synth tune. Scared yet? Now remove the most catchy bits of the song. What are you left with? A shell of a poor excuse for a song. Basically, annoying background noise that will haunt you very reality and dreams.
Why have I given you this nightmarish mental image? To prove a point. While I'm making points, let me dedicate this paragraph to 'Song 2' by Blur. You know, the 'woo-hoo' song? I was listening to a commercial station (Forgive me for my sins, readers!). They were airing one of those programs with hours of crappy dance music and remixes. My ears prickled when I heard the familiar guitar riff of said song. I prepared to rock on to the 'woo-hoo' bit; the very essence of the song that makes it so damn delicious. I hear the riff again. No biggie. Then I hear the same riff again. And again. And again. Over and over again. Then the 'cool, hip' choppy version of the starting guitar riff. Five minutes later (yes, that's how long they repeated the riff for), the woo-hoo bit finally played. Unfortunately, by this time, I had already smashed up a couple of things and vomited in rage, so the song was entirely ruined. Five seconds after the woo-hoo bit, there's the transition into the next disaster. Rest in peace Song 2. Your memory and woo-hoo bit lives on.
How many other songs like Song 2 have to suffer the fate of the commercial radio nip & tuck for the sake of squeezing in one more ad, and appealing to the 'Drugged-up raver who isn't even listening to the radio but is instead taking one too many ekkies and frothing at the mouth' demographic. The normal class is being alienated to the point of [shudder] turning off the radio?! [Dun-dun-dun].
So do whatever you have to do to stop this atrocity. Send complaints. Walk in and complain. Start your own community station. Hell, even sulk around and bitch and whine your troubles into your own little bottle that'll end up exploding in a public hissy-fit. We need to get rid of this curse. Screw everything else. This is the real curse on our fair world.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
The debate gets fatter
Adding some more useless, fatty arguments to the arteries of the McDonalds debacle
What a turn of events this is? McDonalds, who were once being silent over the film Super Size Me, has now suddenly released a multi-million dollar campaign trying to rebut some of the claims made in said film and to just basically try to (in a way) tarnish Morgan Spurlock's reputation vary much like he has tarnished the reputation of those famous golden arches (more so).
Boy, oh boy, I had one of the biggest laughs of the week when I heard this. By the time I visited the McDonalds site, I was pissing myself laughing. This is a sheer act of paranoia and a try-hard attempt to save face.
Lets begin with their treatment of the movie. Go to the site (http://www.mcdonalds.com.au)or watch one of their ads. Notice how they never refer to Super Size Me by its name. They refer to it, but never directly mention "that movie". An attempt to avoid breach copyright laws, or something more cowardice?
Speaking of the site, some of the stuff there is pure comedy gold. Let's go over some of this stuff.
A real feature is the letter that they somehow got from America from Spurlock, which contains him praising the new nutritional moves. A sign of how low they will go in order to disgrace the guy. But still, while Maccas have a valid point (in the letter), at the same time, it may have been a suck-up attempt by Spurlock in order to get an interview, where all the required bits (ie. Anti-McDonalds comments) will be included in the movie, and the excess stuff cut out. What any other political documentary will do.
The other big thing on the site is the 'myths and facts' section. Again they refer to the movie as "That Movie". Some of the claims however, I want to add my own little spin and analysis onto.
The supersizing of meals
McDonalds mention that they don't sell supersize meals at all. Though they can never say that they haven't ever sold the size. Back in 2001, they sold a 'Monster Size' meal in conjunction with Monsters Inc. A quarter of kilo of chips and over a litre of coke, all combined with a big, yet average, burger. And last year (if memory serves me correctly), they were advertising supersize cokes on the screens. And I've even heard that immediately before and after the movie's release, supersized products were still available on request.
Sundaes and Yoghurts
Super Size Me claims that there is nearly as much calories in a Yoghurt Parfait as there is in a Hot Fudge Sundae. McDonalds argues this claim by praising the Berrynice Yoghurt Crunch (Notice the use of a possibly different product) and its lesser calories. This claim however, is a bit fruity. Looking at the nutritional information that McDonalds claims to have in large availability, the Sundae has a total of 343kCal. Guess how many calories are in the Yoghurt...317kCal. It does have less calories, but I don't think that 26kCal will have much of an affect on the average diet.
The fatness and caloric fun of the TV ads
Drastically changing topics here, on the TV ads, the guy speaking (Guy Russo) contradicts Spurlock's claim of McDonalds' unhealthiness by saying "I could have told him that." But Guy, by saying this to us, all you will be doing is making us hear this for the millionth time in our lives. It is common fact that McDonalds foods are unhealthy. We were raised on this fact. And also, isn't it a bit of an anti-ad by saying that your own product is unhealthy and bad for you?
Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that the effort that McDonalds Australia has put into trying to saving a bit of face is a bit over the top, and at times useless and fictitious. They didn't even have to go this far. After all, we should all realize that Super Size Me was mainly aimed at the American branch of McDonalds. The Australian branch isn't mentioned once in the movie. In fact the only time the land down under is mentioned (and I'm a bit unsure on this) is when we're named the second fattest country on Earth. They could've left it to the Americans to pay for a half-decent smear campaign. But instead, this half-baked and malnourished campaign has many of its points lost on many of its targets.
What a turn of events this is? McDonalds, who were once being silent over the film Super Size Me, has now suddenly released a multi-million dollar campaign trying to rebut some of the claims made in said film and to just basically try to (in a way) tarnish Morgan Spurlock's reputation vary much like he has tarnished the reputation of those famous golden arches (more so).
Boy, oh boy, I had one of the biggest laughs of the week when I heard this. By the time I visited the McDonalds site, I was pissing myself laughing. This is a sheer act of paranoia and a try-hard attempt to save face.
Lets begin with their treatment of the movie. Go to the site (http://www.mcdonalds.com.au)or watch one of their ads. Notice how they never refer to Super Size Me by its name. They refer to it, but never directly mention "that movie". An attempt to avoid breach copyright laws, or something more cowardice?
Speaking of the site, some of the stuff there is pure comedy gold. Let's go over some of this stuff.
A real feature is the letter that they somehow got from America from Spurlock, which contains him praising the new nutritional moves. A sign of how low they will go in order to disgrace the guy. But still, while Maccas have a valid point (in the letter), at the same time, it may have been a suck-up attempt by Spurlock in order to get an interview, where all the required bits (ie. Anti-McDonalds comments) will be included in the movie, and the excess stuff cut out. What any other political documentary will do.
The other big thing on the site is the 'myths and facts' section. Again they refer to the movie as "That Movie". Some of the claims however, I want to add my own little spin and analysis onto.
The supersizing of meals
McDonalds mention that they don't sell supersize meals at all. Though they can never say that they haven't ever sold the size. Back in 2001, they sold a 'Monster Size' meal in conjunction with Monsters Inc. A quarter of kilo of chips and over a litre of coke, all combined with a big, yet average, burger. And last year (if memory serves me correctly), they were advertising supersize cokes on the screens. And I've even heard that immediately before and after the movie's release, supersized products were still available on request.
Sundaes and Yoghurts
Super Size Me claims that there is nearly as much calories in a Yoghurt Parfait as there is in a Hot Fudge Sundae. McDonalds argues this claim by praising the Berrynice Yoghurt Crunch (Notice the use of a possibly different product) and its lesser calories. This claim however, is a bit fruity. Looking at the nutritional information that McDonalds claims to have in large availability, the Sundae has a total of 343kCal. Guess how many calories are in the Yoghurt...317kCal. It does have less calories, but I don't think that 26kCal will have much of an affect on the average diet.
The fatness and caloric fun of the TV ads
Drastically changing topics here, on the TV ads, the guy speaking (Guy Russo) contradicts Spurlock's claim of McDonalds' unhealthiness by saying "I could have told him that." But Guy, by saying this to us, all you will be doing is making us hear this for the millionth time in our lives. It is common fact that McDonalds foods are unhealthy. We were raised on this fact. And also, isn't it a bit of an anti-ad by saying that your own product is unhealthy and bad for you?
Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that the effort that McDonalds Australia has put into trying to saving a bit of face is a bit over the top, and at times useless and fictitious. They didn't even have to go this far. After all, we should all realize that Super Size Me was mainly aimed at the American branch of McDonalds. The Australian branch isn't mentioned once in the movie. In fact the only time the land down under is mentioned (and I'm a bit unsure on this) is when we're named the second fattest country on Earth. They could've left it to the Americans to pay for a half-decent smear campaign. But instead, this half-baked and malnourished campaign has many of its points lost on many of its targets.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
How to get on TV
Stinging social commentary for everyone
‘Why’, I hear you ask, ‘should I make an actual effort to get on television?’ Well, there are many, many reasons why. Fame, fortune, money, and a reputation allowing you to get into the hottest of places. But these are minuscule compared to one other reason. Bragging rights. Get on TV, and you’ll be able to flaunt your fifteen minutes of TV fame to all your friends, acquaintances, associates, enemies and strangers. Anyway, follow any of the following methods, and you’ll be receiving that free beer from the guy next to you in no time.
1. Have an intimate affair with a celebrity.
Throughout TV history (well, at least in the modern-day rule of the tabloid), coming out with an affair with major stars, especially sports stars, has been a foolproof way of having your face splashed all over the covers of newspapers (with a 10-page spread in any News Corp papers, and a whole issue dedicated to you in the English tabloids) and all over the current affairs shows, no matter how crazy and inaccurate the allegations are.
However, try to be original in who you’re accusing. If you accuse Warnie or Becks, you’ll only get that 3-page spread in the Herald Sun and the five-minute interview on Today Tonight, instead of the 10-page spread and quarter-hour episode interview, respectively. Instead, say in that media conference that you had an affair with someone like Sam Newman, even if you’re a guy. A gay relationship will certainly get you more than your fifteen minutes (as you’ll see later in this guide). Hell, you’ll probably get a whole hour.
2. Contract a fatal, or at least disabling, disease.
Remember that day last year, when the headlining story of the news programs was singer-actress Delta Goodrem cancer. Although it was widely reported that it wasn’t lethal, her canter with cancer raised her status from ‘Triple Platinum album selling-Best New Actress Logie winning’ fame to ‘Fourteen-times Platinum album selling-Most Popular Actress Logie winning’ fame. And if it worked for her, it will most certainly work for you.
Sure you won’t win any Logie awards, or get leading roles in films based on books aimed at the early-teens, you’ll still get plenty of air time. Not on the news, but most certainly on A Current Affair. If you’re lucky, you’ll also get an hour long documentary dedicated to your tragic fight hosted by either Mike Munroe or Ray Martin. Remember that woman with anorexia?
You don’t even have to actually become sick, or even admit to having a real disease. All you need to do is look sort-of, kinda sick, and break down some while you’re saying to a flock of media guys that you have a case of ‘Ferocious Pelvic Thrust Syndrome’ or ‘Bell’s Palsy’.
3. Become Gay
Even if you’ve been hiding in your bedroom, hiding under your doona, closing your eyes, covering your ears, and humming Macho Man to yourself for the past two years, you would most certainly know about the sudden influx of gay shows. Whether it be Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Queer As Folk, or that couple (you know who I’m talking about) from The Block, gay has become the new black. It’s hip. It’s fab. It’s full of tjuzz (however the hell you spell the damn word). And it’s popular; no matter how much those right wing conservatives reject to it.
So what better way is there to get on TV than jump on the bandwagon and root for the other team (don’t think about it that way, you dirty, dirty people). Make over your wardrobe. Get a wax. Get a manicure, pedicure, and everything else to do you up. Get a boyfriend. Get a camp accent not dissimilar to Carson. Do all these, hand up a treatment for a ‘Revolutionary New Gay Makeover-Romantic-Dramedy’, and you’ll be gaying it up with the best of them on your very own TV show.
And if you’re a female, make sure you involve yourself in some scenes of hot lesbian loving, a la The L Word. You’ll get free publicity from religious groups and overly conservative, creation-believing Americans. On top of that, you’ll definitely attract the lucrative ‘Horny Teen Male’ demographic.
So, there you have it folks. Three different, yet equally effective, methods of achieving one of life's goals: Getting on TV. When you're up there, staring down that camera, and either breaking news about your affair with Mr. or Mrs. Celebrity, breaking down and becoming sick at the same time in front of Ray, or suggesting that some loser guy will look cool if he got a bikini wax; send me a nice, healthy cheque or two to me. Because if you don't...
‘Why’, I hear you ask, ‘should I make an actual effort to get on television?’ Well, there are many, many reasons why. Fame, fortune, money, and a reputation allowing you to get into the hottest of places. But these are minuscule compared to one other reason. Bragging rights. Get on TV, and you’ll be able to flaunt your fifteen minutes of TV fame to all your friends, acquaintances, associates, enemies and strangers. Anyway, follow any of the following methods, and you’ll be receiving that free beer from the guy next to you in no time.
1. Have an intimate affair with a celebrity.
Throughout TV history (well, at least in the modern-day rule of the tabloid), coming out with an affair with major stars, especially sports stars, has been a foolproof way of having your face splashed all over the covers of newspapers (with a 10-page spread in any News Corp papers, and a whole issue dedicated to you in the English tabloids) and all over the current affairs shows, no matter how crazy and inaccurate the allegations are.
However, try to be original in who you’re accusing. If you accuse Warnie or Becks, you’ll only get that 3-page spread in the Herald Sun and the five-minute interview on Today Tonight, instead of the 10-page spread and quarter-hour episode interview, respectively. Instead, say in that media conference that you had an affair with someone like Sam Newman, even if you’re a guy. A gay relationship will certainly get you more than your fifteen minutes (as you’ll see later in this guide). Hell, you’ll probably get a whole hour.
2. Contract a fatal, or at least disabling, disease.
Remember that day last year, when the headlining story of the news programs was singer-actress Delta Goodrem cancer. Although it was widely reported that it wasn’t lethal, her canter with cancer raised her status from ‘Triple Platinum album selling-Best New Actress Logie winning’ fame to ‘Fourteen-times Platinum album selling-Most Popular Actress Logie winning’ fame. And if it worked for her, it will most certainly work for you.
Sure you won’t win any Logie awards, or get leading roles in films based on books aimed at the early-teens, you’ll still get plenty of air time. Not on the news, but most certainly on A Current Affair. If you’re lucky, you’ll also get an hour long documentary dedicated to your tragic fight hosted by either Mike Munroe or Ray Martin. Remember that woman with anorexia?
You don’t even have to actually become sick, or even admit to having a real disease. All you need to do is look sort-of, kinda sick, and break down some while you’re saying to a flock of media guys that you have a case of ‘Ferocious Pelvic Thrust Syndrome’ or ‘Bell’s Palsy’.
3. Become Gay
Even if you’ve been hiding in your bedroom, hiding under your doona, closing your eyes, covering your ears, and humming Macho Man to yourself for the past two years, you would most certainly know about the sudden influx of gay shows. Whether it be Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Queer As Folk, or that couple (you know who I’m talking about) from The Block, gay has become the new black. It’s hip. It’s fab. It’s full of tjuzz (however the hell you spell the damn word). And it’s popular; no matter how much those right wing conservatives reject to it.
So what better way is there to get on TV than jump on the bandwagon and root for the other team (don’t think about it that way, you dirty, dirty people). Make over your wardrobe. Get a wax. Get a manicure, pedicure, and everything else to do you up. Get a boyfriend. Get a camp accent not dissimilar to Carson. Do all these, hand up a treatment for a ‘Revolutionary New Gay Makeover-Romantic-Dramedy’, and you’ll be gaying it up with the best of them on your very own TV show.
And if you’re a female, make sure you involve yourself in some scenes of hot lesbian loving, a la The L Word. You’ll get free publicity from religious groups and overly conservative, creation-believing Americans. On top of that, you’ll definitely attract the lucrative ‘Horny Teen Male’ demographic.
So, there you have it folks. Three different, yet equally effective, methods of achieving one of life's goals: Getting on TV. When you're up there, staring down that camera, and either breaking news about your affair with Mr. or Mrs. Celebrity, breaking down and becoming sick at the same time in front of Ray, or suggesting that some loser guy will look cool if he got a bikini wax; send me a nice, healthy cheque or two to me. Because if you don't...
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