Idle Thoughts: Final 9

Unplugged and untalented.

After skipping last week's festival of the whiny disco balls due to otherworldly commitments, I tuned into last night's episode of Idol with the lowest of expectations based on Episode Two - which, like the movie of the same moniker, was so awful and cheesy I spent the next few days huddled in the corner of my room in the foetal position repeatedly muttering "Ken Bruce has gone mad".

It may have been because of the aforementioned low expectations, but the kids this week weren't eye-gougingly bad like in the semis and the Paper-Scissors- episode (no rock - geddit?!). I'm guessing it's the no-expense-spared production values and band, which would make Elton John sound like some camp karaoke performance, or former Mousketeers sound like they are well past their prime (a tangential aside). Given their own instruments, they could actually pull of a decent note. At some points, I was even liking the performances. I was shocked. What was this strange sensation I was feeling? Thankfully, that odd lapse in common sense was diffused by the usual suspects delivering their man-meat trays of mediocrity (speaking of which), although I still had to shower myself for about eleventy hours afterwards to clean off that stench of shame.

(transition)

If there's only one lesson I can extrapolate from this episode if Idol, it is Don't Do Drugs, Kids that Mark Holden is in love with Daniel Mifsud, and could possibly want to conceive his babies. The camera angles didn't cover it too well, but if you looked carefully at the judges desk, you could see that Mark's end was actually slightly elevated at the climax of Daniel's performance. I'll let your sordid imaginations fill in the appropriate gaps (like Mark wants to fill Daniel's gaps, perhaps?).

In other words, Daniel's comatose performance was not worthy of a touchdown. I'm assuming that these things are supposed to only reserved for the most top shelf of Idol performances (though saying that is essentially like comparing a can of VB to a can of XXXX* - either way, it's still crap in a can). However, the two handed out this season (to Matt Corby last episode and Daniel this ep) make it seem like all you need to do to get one of these things is to get Mark Holden hot and excited. Maybe that's what a touchdown is - is it the official recognition that Mark wants to touch them down in the pants?

Even though these touchdowns aren't exactly going to be highlighted on an Idol contestant's resume when they end up applying for a gig at the local Maccas, the unfortunate reality in the touchdown is that the kids that get them will always be voted though for several rounds, no matter how undeserving of the label it is. It's essentially a golden ticket to the next few rounds - at the cost of more deserving contestants whose talents consist more than having some chesthair, a scarf, and the ability to make Mark Holden want to park his car into their cock garage.
For example...





* XXXX: It's like having sex in a canoe - Fucking close to water


Edit (1/10/07): "The love from Holden that dare not speak its name." The omniscient voice over reveals a bit of truth in the elimination episode package, per chance? (Holden: "Package? Whose package?! Daniel's package?!!1! *changes pants*")

Idle Thoughts: The first seven minutes of Semi Finals 3 and 4

Dicko: "Perform last"

First off, a comment of Lana Krost. I wrote in the last edition that her performance was shocking, but that she'd get through to the next round purely on the TB/HTM vote. And guess what? She did. BOW DOWN TO MY POWERS OF guesstimation PSYCHIC AWESOME!!!
(Incidentally, Lana is reported in the Blue Collar Rag as being "Half-American and half-Vietnamese but born in Australia." I'm surprised she hasn't been adopted by Angelina Jolie in her quest to collect a child from every race on Earth, possibly to form some sort of unholy United Colours of Benntton army. But I digress...)
Speaking of undeserving hacks, Marty Simpson was one of the kids from the other group of boys (the good one) who got through. Other than a pair of eyebrows to stun, he had nothing going for him in his performance, which was a boring as bricks version of an already boring as bricks song, (Over My Head) (who, on a side note, only seem to release the one song over and over again but with a different name).

I know I've just joined the Idol merry-go-round, but has it always been like this? Has it always been the case that there is, apart from one worthy contestant, one undeserving contestant who goes through every semi-final? This year, there has been Matt Corby as well as the aformentioned Lana and Marty who have gone through to the finals despite a lack of entertaining singing abilities.
I have two schools of thought concerning this business. Firstly, voters are shallow people who will vote purely based on looks. Both Matt and Marty (I guess...) have The Dean Geyer Effect going for them (which is symptomised by the immediate ovulation of every female in the room; and in some cases, men). As for Lana, she would've got through based on both the fingers of the TBs voting for the young one (a la Lisa Mitchell and [insert your own example here]) and the hands of the Horny-Teen-Males (ie. The Hand-To-Gland Rule).
The other theory is that if you perform last, you'll get through. That logic has appeared in this year's semis as regularly as bowel movements. All those who sung last, Jacob, Lana and Agro, have gone through. I reckon voters are easily distracted, who vote for their favourite, and...um...the last person.

Here's hoping the final round can break this rule.






HOW IS THIS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE?!

Idle Thoughts: Semi Final 2

Expect the expected

The second Idol semi-final has come and gone. My thoughts: The girls did decently, much better than the boys of the Semi Final the First; though that's kind of like saying you'd rather eat a piece of cake than a piece of crap- a godawfully homogenised, cliched and generally undeserving of 15 minutes of Idol fame (except for the odd WEIGHT CRISIS article in the local gossip rag) piece of crap. At least I could differentiate between the girls without having to refer to their costumes.

This sentiment, however, leaves me with little material to play with. I can't completely trash the girls voices, as that would make me a bit of a hypocrite; even worse, an Idol hypocrite - one of the lowliest labels possible.
And I can't pick on their costumes, as they didn't have the nafftastic conformity of the Night of the Scarves. That, and I'll probably be accused of being sexist. Even worse, I'll be on par with Kyle 'S&M Throat Fetish' Sandilands, who did go down that hazy path in commenting on Tarisai's pants, laying on several blatant subtextual hints of weight issues, something I'm sure Kyle will be familiar with (i.e. HE'S FAT!). Now there's an Idol hypocrite for you.
But I'll do my best. Prepare to be disappointed.

Speaking of nothing to do with winners, the aformentioned Tarisai was voted into the next round, as well as 17 year old Lana. Tarisai's inclusion was a no brainer - even if some viewers didn't like her, her voice, which was so loud that I think that the producers needn't bother giving her a mic, would have still echoed in viewers' ears as they blindly poked at their mobile phones. However, I'm not sure if she's aoing to appeal to the main voting demographics like some of the other contestants.
And that's where Lana comes in. Being the precocious 17 year old, there was no surprise in her getting through, despite a performance which was almost as weak as a Starbucks 'coffee' or an insult from Kyle the Cock. Performing Stacy Ann Ferguson's Big Girls Don't Cry didn't do her any favours in my eyes (but Ferguson's lack of talent is for another day). But clearly, she's fancied by both major voting blocs: the TBs ("OMG SHES A QTIE!!1!!") and the Horny-Teen-Males ("*thwap* *thwap* *thwap*")
What irked me the most about her inclusion is that it further pushes the fact that Idol is basically all about image. Yes, I know it's Idol, we're talking about. I know that singing is the least important aspect of this singing contest. But the whole image thing was pushed by all the judges, who each said in one form or another 'Awww. You're so adorable. I just want to gobble you up' etc.
On that note, Kyle revealed again what a twat he is, by saying to Lana that her performance should have been "sexier." This is a 17 year old girl we're talking about here. Yet Kyle wants this underaged contestant to be "sexier." You just have to question his motives. However legal eagles, I'm not going to specifically mention any ideas of inappropriate behaviour which may or may not end happily. I'm just saying the last thing we need is another Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera in her 'Dirrty' days hogging up the charts, let alone one from the factory of Idol.

*remembers Xtina's Dirrty phase*

*throws up*

It's a shame Cheray didn't get through. Her performance was respectable. Her particular stylings, however, would mainly appeal to an older demographic, and we all know older Idol voters don't actually exist; they're just like the Sandman or the Tooth Fairy (though last time I checked, the Easter Bunny was just about to be elected as CEO of a major Legal Firm, I won't remind you which one, as I'm sure you all know of this very common fact)


This is turning out to be a very typical series of Idol, and I can already tell that by the end of the series, I'll be shaking my fist at the TV when they pick the least desering winner. Despite that, I'll still tune in to the next two semi-finals with my 'Surprised' face on just in case someone at The Ministy of Truth Network Ten is watching me back via the telescreen*.



*Yes, I have been reading 1984, thank you for asking.

Idle Thoughts: Semi Final 1

Kyle (paraphrased):"All I can do is reiterate what Dicko and Marcia have said..."

Too true words from Kyle. Apart from one comment, all he did was copycat what the previous judges said, barely a scent of originality in sight. No wonder the producers put him on the right side of the table. I'm guessing it was for the best - if Kyle had to create more than one original thought per episode, he might strain something.

To the contestants, and I didn't like any of them. There was barely anything to differentiate from the lot, apart from what wacky costumes they wore, and even in that aspect, most of them adorned themselves in some form of silly neckwear. Husny, in particular, ended up looking like the result of a sordid one night stand between Prince, Flava Flav and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Whilst I'm here, I reckon Matt will make it far into the finals. He may not necessarily have the charisma, and I can't shake the feeling that he'd end up a Karaoke Princess, but he can hit the notes, but most importantly, the girls will think he's hot. That'll get the TBs flailing their fingers at their mobile phones and donating their 55c to the 'Corby Is Hot He Must Win LOL' fund. It's the Dean Geyer Effect all over again.
Vocally, they all even sounded the same. In one form or another, they all had that nasal R&B tone Guy Sebastian ran with in the first series. I'm guessing this blandness is the reason why these Idol kids (or at least the producers who dressed them) decided to give them all their distinctive costumes and neck trinkets, to give the viewers a way to remember them, cos we certainly aren't gonna recognise them by their original voices.
I should mention at this point that my tastes in male singers tend to have a voice that wouldn't even make it past the cattle calls (too much awsomeness for the Idol machine, maybe?). But last year's winner Damien Leith proved that Idol voters do actually respect a good crisp voice and songsmith, as opposed to some vocalist melismating their way through a butchered version of whatever song is popular at the moment.

And now an ordered list of like:
Jacob (Best by default. He didn't sound like some R&B cliché like the others - he sounded like a Rock Ballad cliché)
Carl (must...not...make...Village..People...joke...*head explodes*)
Matt (Stopping by Idol studios with a vanilla performance on his way to a Middle-Eastern Leaders themed dress-up party)
Junior (He sung Pink's Dear Mr. President without any political malice. Memories of punk rocker Lee Harding's version of Holiday come flooding back - I NEED AN EXORCIST AND A PLUNGER, NOW!!!!)
Daniel (He looked like he had just jumped out of a Lacoste catalogue. Wanker)
Husny ((from his profile)"Music is, like, is a big tool..." You're a big tool, Husny!)

Here's hoping tomorrow's batch of girls have some talent to them. We don't want a repeat of that train wreck from a few years ago.

SEX! Now that I've got your attention...

New and Improved Antisocial Rant: Now with 24-7 girl-on-girl action (action) (action)
Is it me, or have the promos for TV shows taken a rather sharp slide in quality since the start of 2005?

Biggest example: Channel 10 and The OC. Never watched the show myself, but I've seen the ads to know enough about the show. According to Channel 10, the OC seems to be nothing but a hot lesbian porno based in California. Each and every episode promises more hotter and sluttier "girl-on-girl action", with some of that useless family and relationship drama filler thrown in between the big all-female orgies.
A bit of an overstatement, yes. But take a look see at the ads. In big, bright letters: "Girl-On-Girl Action". Not once, not twice, but thrice splashed all over the screen. In bright, pretty colours. Complete with the throaty female voice over.
However, despite these promises of good old lesbian lovin', they've yet to deliver on this promise (according to a reliable source who began watching the show for said lovin'). It might be okay if this is the first week of promos, but the ads have promised this visual orgy for about...oh I dunno...since the start of the year, all in a ploy to attract the lucrative Horny-teen-male demographic who people want to associate with so much.
At some point, however, this ratings-inspired promise does eventually come at one point (pun kinda-sorta intended) halfway towards the season, when the two girls (look away now if you're an OC watcher) kiss. That's right, a simple peck. Lemme ask you this. When I spout the words "girl-on-girl action", what's the first thing that pops into your head? Hot lesbian loving, that's what. And I dare say, a peck does not constitute the aforementioned loving.
Ten, though, have a different mindset. According to them, "girl-on-gril action" refers to the emotional and relationship development between the two girls. Give me four people on the face of the planet who thinks "emotions" when "girl-on-girl action" is mentioned (who isn't a Ten exec, an ultra-conservative lock-in, or someone who still believes in cooties and germlocks), and I'll give you a pat on the head.
I know that I may should like a disappointed viewer hoping for some satisfaction from an M rated rip-off of Melrose Place or 90210. But this isn't the first time that Channel 10 have featured stoggy promos and left many disappointed apart from the many horny teens who are getting rather impatient.

Take another show on the same channel, on the same day, just before the OC. That's right, The Simpsons. One famous example was the promotion of an episode as a rip-off of another (much more successful) TV show, Lost. As it turns out, the show had nothing to do with the show. Same thing with another episode which Ten claimed was the "inspiration for The Aviator" (their words).
Another classic example: Big Brother 04. Big surprises were expected. Big surprises were promoted for about 6 months. What was the surprise: A $1 million prize. Who in the hell cares?
Two more examples: The HotHouse and The Resort. Promoted as being the next big thing in reality TV shows. Guess what? They both bombed, nay, they crashed and burned their way into that special level of hell reserved for reality show participants and drugged-up child actors.

Getting back to the OC, many people are switching off their TVs during that hot hot hour, alienated by the promo spin, or they've lost all hope in getting that girl-on-girl action. So why are Ten still (falsely) promoting the OC as one of those naughty films? And until the kiss (not even a 1st-base worthy one, and not even a single grope thrown in) happens, we'll have to continue being fed this perverted spin. And it's bound to continue, with the upcoming reality diatribe that is Skippy Idol, and its claims of the next big thing in muzak (but, series 2 winner, Casey's fall and fall, note the lack of 'rise', will have to wait for another day)




On the next Antisocial Rant: Hot girl-on-girl action (action) (action)
NB. No actual guarantees. Just strongly worded suggestions.

Bottles of Lost

New refreshing Lost water. Gotta love it (cause we say so)
Listen hard, and read this true
I have a disgruntled tale for you.
With shameless plugs and ads galore
That'll have you crying "Please, no more".

T'was once a network on Aussie waves
Devoid of ratings or critical rave.
Then two US shows came up for bid
And quick smart, they bought it they did.

"But how to make people know" they thought
"Of all these wonderous shows we've bought?"
"But of course" they said, light bulbs lit bright
"We'll force-feed these shows with all our might".

And so it began, the great campaign
'Til man, woman, child knew the shows' names.
One has a plane crash taking control
T'other shows a lady giving her head a new hole.

Much o'the campaign was riddled with cheese
Vox pops from that network's celebs, oh please.
The tennis was too a mighty great blast
With commentators promoting out o'their arse.

The pilot of Desperate Housewives was shown
In many a house, t'was nary a groan.
2.5 million tuned in to watch
Non-stop advertising does that much.

Thursday day, that night Lost would screen
There were chesty women ever so green
Shamelessly giving out bottles of Lost
To folk who didn't give a great toss.

Many people watched that show called Lost
It seems these shows were worth the cost.
The network must've smoked some bad stuff
'Cause they thought that once wasn't enough.

So 'encore' specials were on the cards
Just in case our friend's lives were marred.
They aired not one, twice, but thrice
It's like having an arm in a vice.

So week two of these 'promising' shows
Guarantees some more marketing lows.
When Desperate Housewives is back on the clocks
Maybe we'll be sucking their...lollipops.

How to get on TV

Stinging social commentary for everyone
‘Why’, I hear you ask, ‘should I make an actual effort to get on television?’ Well, there are many, many reasons why. Fame, fortune, money, and a reputation allowing you to get into the hottest of places. But these are minuscule compared to one other reason. Bragging rights. Get on TV, and you’ll be able to flaunt your fifteen minutes of TV fame to all your friends, acquaintances, associates, enemies and strangers. Anyway, follow any of the following methods, and you’ll be receiving that free beer from the guy next to you in no time.

1. Have an intimate affair with a celebrity.
Throughout TV history (well, at least in the modern-day rule of the tabloid), coming out with an affair with major stars, especially sports stars, has been a foolproof way of having your face splashed all over the covers of newspapers (with a 10-page spread in any News Corp papers, and a whole issue dedicated to you in the English tabloids) and all over the current affairs shows, no matter how crazy and inaccurate the allegations are.
However, try to be original in who you’re accusing. If you accuse Warnie or Becks, you’ll only get that 3-page spread in the Herald Sun and the five-minute interview on Today Tonight, instead of the 10-page spread and quarter-hour episode interview, respectively. Instead, say in that media conference that you had an affair with someone like Sam Newman, even if you’re a guy. A gay relationship will certainly get you more than your fifteen minutes (as you’ll see later in this guide). Hell, you’ll probably get a whole hour.

2. Contract a fatal, or at least disabling, disease.
Remember that day last year, when the headlining story of the news programs was singer-actress Delta Goodrem cancer. Although it was widely reported that it wasn’t lethal, her canter with cancer raised her status from ‘Triple Platinum album selling-Best New Actress Logie winning’ fame to ‘Fourteen-times Platinum album selling-Most Popular Actress Logie winning’ fame. And if it worked for her, it will most certainly work for you.
Sure you won’t win any Logie awards, or get leading roles in films based on books aimed at the early-teens, you’ll still get plenty of air time. Not on the news, but most certainly on A Current Affair. If you’re lucky, you’ll also get an hour long documentary dedicated to your tragic fight hosted by either Mike Munroe or Ray Martin. Remember that woman with anorexia?
You don’t even have to actually become sick, or even admit to having a real disease. All you need to do is look sort-of, kinda sick, and break down some while you’re saying to a flock of media guys that you have a case of ‘Ferocious Pelvic Thrust Syndrome’ or ‘Bell’s Palsy’.

3. Become Gay
Even if you’ve been hiding in your bedroom, hiding under your doona, closing your eyes, covering your ears, and humming Macho Man to yourself for the past two years, you would most certainly know about the sudden influx of gay shows. Whether it be Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Queer As Folk, or that couple (you know who I’m talking about) from The Block, gay has become the new black. It’s hip. It’s fab. It’s full of tjuzz (however the hell you spell the damn word). And it’s popular; no matter how much those right wing conservatives reject to it.
So what better way is there to get on TV than jump on the bandwagon and root for the other team (don’t think about it that way, you dirty, dirty people). Make over your wardrobe. Get a wax. Get a manicure, pedicure, and everything else to do you up. Get a boyfriend. Get a camp accent not dissimilar to Carson. Do all these, hand up a treatment for a ‘Revolutionary New Gay Makeover-Romantic-Dramedy’, and you’ll be gaying it up with the best of them on your very own TV show.
And if you’re a female, make sure you involve yourself in some scenes of hot lesbian loving, a la The L Word. You’ll get free publicity from religious groups and overly conservative, creation-believing Americans. On top of that, you’ll definitely attract the lucrative ‘Horny Teen Male’ demographic.

So, there you have it folks. Three different, yet equally effective, methods of achieving one of life's goals: Getting on TV. When you're up there, staring down that camera, and either breaking news about your affair with Mr. or Mrs. Celebrity, breaking down and becoming sick at the same time in front of Ray, or suggesting that some loser guy will look cool if he got a bikini wax; send me a nice, healthy cheque or two to me. Because if you don't...