An ode to those who touch themselves in public at night time

Doof-doof-doof-doof-etc

Little wanker boy
Livin’ in suburbia
His perfectly coiffed hair
Makes him feel holier

Little wanker boy
Lookin’ for some birds
He can’t call them women
The insecure little turd

Little wanker boy
Puttin’ on his top
Pink and pretty and macho
‘Specially with collar popped

Little wanker boy
Puttin’ on his fumes
We call it cologne
He calls it ‘perfume’

Little wanker boy
Wearin’ mirrored glasses
Without anyone knowing
He’s checkin’ out some asses

Little wanker boy
Shufflin’ around the town
Lookin’ ever so fashionable
Wearin’ his pants half down

Little wanker boy
Arrivin’ at the club
Thinks he’s the fo-shiz
He’s looking much the dud

Little wanker boy
Finally gets inside
He goes to the floor
Struts imaginary pride

Little wanker boy
Shakin’ it real hard
Insert a pelvic thrust
Lookin’ like a retard

Little wanker boy
Tries another line
“Oi, wanna root?”
“Get lost, you little swine”

Little wanker boy
Chasin’ up some tail
Forgive them if they run
‘Cos it’s slimy like a snail

Little wanker boy
Circlin’ ‘round some gals
Doesn’t penetrate the group
He frauds success to pals

Little wanker boy
Fails for another night
Drunk on half a bottle
He tries to start a fight

Little wanker boy
Stumblin’ on the highway
His head in the gutter
He purges the night away

Little wanker boy
Back to his yuppie land
He goes into his room
And gives himself a hand
…shandy, that is

Thanks to Brian and Daniel for contributions

Bottles of Lost

New refreshing Lost water. Gotta love it (cause we say so)
Listen hard, and read this true
I have a disgruntled tale for you.
With shameless plugs and ads galore
That'll have you crying "Please, no more".

T'was once a network on Aussie waves
Devoid of ratings or critical rave.
Then two US shows came up for bid
And quick smart, they bought it they did.

"But how to make people know" they thought
"Of all these wonderous shows we've bought?"
"But of course" they said, light bulbs lit bright
"We'll force-feed these shows with all our might".

And so it began, the great campaign
'Til man, woman, child knew the shows' names.
One has a plane crash taking control
T'other shows a lady giving her head a new hole.

Much o'the campaign was riddled with cheese
Vox pops from that network's celebs, oh please.
The tennis was too a mighty great blast
With commentators promoting out o'their arse.

The pilot of Desperate Housewives was shown
In many a house, t'was nary a groan.
2.5 million tuned in to watch
Non-stop advertising does that much.

Thursday day, that night Lost would screen
There were chesty women ever so green
Shamelessly giving out bottles of Lost
To folk who didn't give a great toss.

Many people watched that show called Lost
It seems these shows were worth the cost.
The network must've smoked some bad stuff
'Cause they thought that once wasn't enough.

So 'encore' specials were on the cards
Just in case our friend's lives were marred.
They aired not one, twice, but thrice
It's like having an arm in a vice.

So week two of these 'promising' shows
Guarantees some more marketing lows.
When Desperate Housewives is back on the clocks
Maybe we'll be sucking their...lollipops.