How to get on TV

Stinging social commentary for everyone
‘Why’, I hear you ask, ‘should I make an actual effort to get on television?’ Well, there are many, many reasons why. Fame, fortune, money, and a reputation allowing you to get into the hottest of places. But these are minuscule compared to one other reason. Bragging rights. Get on TV, and you’ll be able to flaunt your fifteen minutes of TV fame to all your friends, acquaintances, associates, enemies and strangers. Anyway, follow any of the following methods, and you’ll be receiving that free beer from the guy next to you in no time.

1. Have an intimate affair with a celebrity.
Throughout TV history (well, at least in the modern-day rule of the tabloid), coming out with an affair with major stars, especially sports stars, has been a foolproof way of having your face splashed all over the covers of newspapers (with a 10-page spread in any News Corp papers, and a whole issue dedicated to you in the English tabloids) and all over the current affairs shows, no matter how crazy and inaccurate the allegations are.
However, try to be original in who you’re accusing. If you accuse Warnie or Becks, you’ll only get that 3-page spread in the Herald Sun and the five-minute interview on Today Tonight, instead of the 10-page spread and quarter-hour episode interview, respectively. Instead, say in that media conference that you had an affair with someone like Sam Newman, even if you’re a guy. A gay relationship will certainly get you more than your fifteen minutes (as you’ll see later in this guide). Hell, you’ll probably get a whole hour.

2. Contract a fatal, or at least disabling, disease.
Remember that day last year, when the headlining story of the news programs was singer-actress Delta Goodrem cancer. Although it was widely reported that it wasn’t lethal, her canter with cancer raised her status from ‘Triple Platinum album selling-Best New Actress Logie winning’ fame to ‘Fourteen-times Platinum album selling-Most Popular Actress Logie winning’ fame. And if it worked for her, it will most certainly work for you.
Sure you won’t win any Logie awards, or get leading roles in films based on books aimed at the early-teens, you’ll still get plenty of air time. Not on the news, but most certainly on A Current Affair. If you’re lucky, you’ll also get an hour long documentary dedicated to your tragic fight hosted by either Mike Munroe or Ray Martin. Remember that woman with anorexia?
You don’t even have to actually become sick, or even admit to having a real disease. All you need to do is look sort-of, kinda sick, and break down some while you’re saying to a flock of media guys that you have a case of ‘Ferocious Pelvic Thrust Syndrome’ or ‘Bell’s Palsy’.

3. Become Gay
Even if you’ve been hiding in your bedroom, hiding under your doona, closing your eyes, covering your ears, and humming Macho Man to yourself for the past two years, you would most certainly know about the sudden influx of gay shows. Whether it be Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Queer As Folk, or that couple (you know who I’m talking about) from The Block, gay has become the new black. It’s hip. It’s fab. It’s full of tjuzz (however the hell you spell the damn word). And it’s popular; no matter how much those right wing conservatives reject to it.
So what better way is there to get on TV than jump on the bandwagon and root for the other team (don’t think about it that way, you dirty, dirty people). Make over your wardrobe. Get a wax. Get a manicure, pedicure, and everything else to do you up. Get a boyfriend. Get a camp accent not dissimilar to Carson. Do all these, hand up a treatment for a ‘Revolutionary New Gay Makeover-Romantic-Dramedy’, and you’ll be gaying it up with the best of them on your very own TV show.
And if you’re a female, make sure you involve yourself in some scenes of hot lesbian loving, a la The L Word. You’ll get free publicity from religious groups and overly conservative, creation-believing Americans. On top of that, you’ll definitely attract the lucrative ‘Horny Teen Male’ demographic.

So, there you have it folks. Three different, yet equally effective, methods of achieving one of life's goals: Getting on TV. When you're up there, staring down that camera, and either breaking news about your affair with Mr. or Mrs. Celebrity, breaking down and becoming sick at the same time in front of Ray, or suggesting that some loser guy will look cool if he got a bikini wax; send me a nice, healthy cheque or two to me. Because if you don't...