Idle Thoughts: Final 9

Unplugged and untalented.

After skipping last week's festival of the whiny disco balls due to otherworldly commitments, I tuned into last night's episode of Idol with the lowest of expectations based on Episode Two - which, like the movie of the same moniker, was so awful and cheesy I spent the next few days huddled in the corner of my room in the foetal position repeatedly muttering "Ken Bruce has gone mad".

It may have been because of the aforementioned low expectations, but the kids this week weren't eye-gougingly bad like in the semis and the Paper-Scissors- episode (no rock - geddit?!). I'm guessing it's the no-expense-spared production values and band, which would make Elton John sound like some camp karaoke performance, or former Mousketeers sound like they are well past their prime (a tangential aside). Given their own instruments, they could actually pull of a decent note. At some points, I was even liking the performances. I was shocked. What was this strange sensation I was feeling? Thankfully, that odd lapse in common sense was diffused by the usual suspects delivering their man-meat trays of mediocrity (speaking of which), although I still had to shower myself for about eleventy hours afterwards to clean off that stench of shame.

(transition)

If there's only one lesson I can extrapolate from this episode if Idol, it is Don't Do Drugs, Kids that Mark Holden is in love with Daniel Mifsud, and could possibly want to conceive his babies. The camera angles didn't cover it too well, but if you looked carefully at the judges desk, you could see that Mark's end was actually slightly elevated at the climax of Daniel's performance. I'll let your sordid imaginations fill in the appropriate gaps (like Mark wants to fill Daniel's gaps, perhaps?).

In other words, Daniel's comatose performance was not worthy of a touchdown. I'm assuming that these things are supposed to only reserved for the most top shelf of Idol performances (though saying that is essentially like comparing a can of VB to a can of XXXX* - either way, it's still crap in a can). However, the two handed out this season (to Matt Corby last episode and Daniel this ep) make it seem like all you need to do to get one of these things is to get Mark Holden hot and excited. Maybe that's what a touchdown is - is it the official recognition that Mark wants to touch them down in the pants?

Even though these touchdowns aren't exactly going to be highlighted on an Idol contestant's resume when they end up applying for a gig at the local Maccas, the unfortunate reality in the touchdown is that the kids that get them will always be voted though for several rounds, no matter how undeserving of the label it is. It's essentially a golden ticket to the next few rounds - at the cost of more deserving contestants whose talents consist more than having some chesthair, a scarf, and the ability to make Mark Holden want to park his car into their cock garage.
For example...





* XXXX: It's like having sex in a canoe - Fucking close to water


Edit (1/10/07): "The love from Holden that dare not speak its name." The omniscient voice over reveals a bit of truth in the elimination episode package, per chance? (Holden: "Package? Whose package?! Daniel's package?!!1! *changes pants*")