Hear ye! Hear ye! The Important Journal of Scientific Fact! has come once again, bearing the news on how to live a better life than yours!
'Having a baby makes you smart' (MX: 19/3/08; p9)
Research has shown that having a baby can make women as brainy as Einstein.
An American study published this month shown in the first three months after giving birth, "mumnesia" may mean a mum leaves her shopping in the car park and puts her handbag in the fridge.
But in the long term her memory and ability to multi task improves, one of a number of physical benefits researchers say having a baby brings.
"Mumnesia" is short-term, probably due to sleep deprivation and not brain shrinkage, as previously thought.
Australian neuroscientist Allen Snyder said a woman's memory was not reduced during pregnancy, their attention was on caring for their baby.
A woman's brain was like Albert Einstein's: he used to forget where had put his big cheques while he worked out the theory of relativity.
US research on pregnant rats suggests that the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for memory, learning and emotion, might grow more neuron connections during pregnancy.
The research also found motherhood gave women more acute sight, reduced stress and a lower risk of cancer.
The study claims there is no physiological reason why women struggle to lose weight gained during pregnancy.
Breast-feeding mums, who burn an extra 2000 kJ a day, have less of an excuse.
Now we've got a bit of an exclusive for you Rant Readers. We've managed to obtain a script of an advertisement for a business which has also read this article. Take a look:
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(INT: KITCHEN)
Daughter, fresh from school, walks in with a depressed look on her face.
Mother: Hey there, sweetheart. Why the sad face?
The camera zooms in on Daughter's face.
Daughter: I just failed my math test.
Mother gasps. A dramatic sting plays as camera zooms in on her face.
Mother: Oh no! How will you ever find a cure for cancer now?
Darryl Sommers walks in to the kitchen
Daryl Sommers: Is this scene familiar? Hi, I'm Darryl Somers, drummer, TV personality and spokesman from Smarter Suitor. And I'm here to talk to you about the latest breakthrough in scientific technology and science that will revolutionise the way we think about intelligence.
Daryl Sommers walks out of the kitchen and into...
(INT: SCIENCE LAB)
Daryl Sommers grabs a vial of white liquid from a table, lifts it to eye-level and looks thoughtfully into it. Daryl Sommers, still holding the vial at this level, looks into the camera and continues:
Daryl Sommers (Cont'd): Important scientific findings has found that having a baby will make you smarter. Which is why we here at Smarter Suitor offers a wide range of fertile suitors able to knock up your daughter and knock up her marks. But don't just take my word for it, listen to these satisfied customers:
(INT: LIVING ROOM)
Testimonial #1: My daughter was bringing home some terrible grades. We tried beating the dumb out of her, but that only got us a court order. But since we enlisted the help of Smarter Suitor, our lovely little daughter is now a student at Harvard University. Godspeed, Suited Suitor.
(EXT: CARAVAN)
Testimonial #2: We thought we had no hope for our little girl, she was barely passing high school. But then we got us the help of the Smarter Suitor folks. Now, our baby daughter's an assistant manager at the local restaurant.
(PHOTO)
Of a Smarter Suitor home device
Daryl Sommers (V/O): Also available, our Brand New Smarter Suitor Do-It-Yourself Home Kit
(INT: BASEMENT)
Testimonial #3: My little daughter was getting Ds in every subject. But then we got the Smarter Suitor DIY Home Kit, and now the only Ds she has is in her boobs. Her round...firm...voluptuous boobs...excuse me a minute
Testimonial #3 walks out of the shot
Testimonial #3 (O/S): It's school time, daughter. Daddy's gonna pump you full of intelligence!
(INT: OFFICE)
Daryl Sommers reads a book. Daryl Sommers has a thoughtful look on his face before closing the book.
Daryl Sommers: If you truly love your daughter, visit your nearest Smarter Suitor office where one of our friendly staff will arrange a meeting to make your daughter smarter.
(INT: KITCHEN)
The heavily pregnant Daughter, fresh from school, walks in with a happy look on her face.
Mother: Hey there, sugar. How did your test go?
Daughter: Great! I got an A!!
Daughter looks into the camera.
Daughter: And I couldn't have done it without Smarter Suitor.
As Daryl Sommers walks in and stands next to Daughter:
Announcer (V/O): (Speaking quickly) Side effects of Smarter Suitor may include nausea, fatigue, headaches, back pains and syphilis.
Daryl Sommers is now standing next to Daughter.
Chyron: Smarter Suitor logo
Daryl Sommers: Smarter Suitor: Give your daughter a better chance at life.
Daryl Sommers, Daughter and Mother wave to the camera
Announcer (V/O): Coming soon: Smarter Suitor for Men.
*****
And thus, the Important Journal of Scientific Fact! has spoken. You many resume your lives.