Corporate X-mas: Deleted scene

Because everyone seems to look forward to these on their DVDs, and because I'm a cheap bastard who has to give. Enjoy.
CEO (Santa): …And for those long-winded reasons, next year, my uniform and sleigh will retain the signature Red colour scheme. Anyways, on to more important issues at hand. Manufacturing division, your report, please.
Head of Manufacturing (Elf #42925 Jr.): This year has been very successful for North Pole Enterprises. We have been able to, if you will, kill two birds with one stone.
Santa: Please don’t mention birds or any other edible animal, please. I can’t get off this vegan diet my doctor has force-fed on to me. Those darn kids with their milk and cookies. Each year, I try to resist. But who can resist milk and cookies!? Thanks to that bloody stereotype, I’m not allowed to eat anything that even remotely tastes goo -
[Awkward silence as Santa becomes aware of the strange looks from the board]
Santa (cont.): Sorry. I kind of digressed there for a second. Anyway, please continue number four-two-nine-two-five.
Elf #42925 Jr.: Thank you, sir. Anyway, last year, we had two major problems to overcome. According to accounts, we needed to reduce costs or we would end up broke in the next couple of years. But at the same time, the elf unions demanded higher wages. (To self: Yet you wouldn’t pay up, cheap bastard)
Santa: What’d you say?
Elf #42925 Jr.: Nothing, nothing at all. (ahem) Like I was saying, we’ve solved all of these problems. Around February, North Pole Enterprises were able to acquire a toy manufacturing factory in China. Wage costs alone in those sweatshops are about a third of what we used to pay to the elves.
Unfortunately, this has left many, many elves homeless, forced to live in shoddily built snow caves.
Vice President (Dixen): Don’t worry about that. We’ve made a deal with the North Pole Crisis Squad to end their suffering.
Elf #42925 Jr.: How, may I ask? Food, shelter, guns? What?
Dixen: By giving each and every stranded elf a million candy canes(!) By eliminating them, of course!
[Awkward silence]
Elf #42925 Jr.: You Bastard. You Sick Bastard! I’ve had it up to here [Raises hand about 72cm off the ground] with your evil dictatorship. It was the only way to provide for my family. But now, you’ve gone too far! I’ll kill you! I swear on Donna’s grave I’ll kill you! All of you!
Dixen: Hey, my sister is still alive, short stuff. You can look me in the shins and insult me, but if you dare mention my family-
Elf #42925 Jr.: [Pulls out pistol] Screw you and all!
Santa: [Into intercom] Security.
[Bang]

[A few minutes later]
Santa: Okay then. [Wipes blood off beard into red uniform] Sorry about that…diversion. Let's move onto Public Relations.
[Stretcher carrying corpse bumps into a door, breaking the tension]

A very corporate Christmas

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Corp is coming to town.
(North Pole Enterprises. Board meting: 7th day of Christmas)

CEO (Santa): …And for those long-winded reasons, next year, my uniform and sleigh will retain the signature Red colour scheme. Anyways, on to more important issues at hand. Manufacturing division, your report, please.
Head of Manufacturing (Elf #42925 Jr.): This year has been very successful for North Pole Enterprises. We have been able to, if you will, kill two birds with one stone.
Santa: Please don’t mention birds or any other edible animal, please. I can’t get off this vegan diet my doctor has force-fed on to me. Those darn kids with their milk and cookies. Each year, I try to resist. But who can resist milk and cookies!? Thanks to that bloody stereotype, I’m not allowed to eat anything that even remotely tastes goo -
[Awkward silence as Santa becomes aware of the strange looks from the board]
Santa (cont.): Sorry. I kind of digressed there for a second. Anyway, please continue number four-two-nine-two-five.
Elf #42925 Jr.: Thank you, sir. Anyway, last year, we had two major problems to overcome. According to accounts, we needed to reduce costs or we would end up broke in the next couple of years. But at the same time, the elf unions demanded higher wages
Fortunately, we’ve solved all of these problems. Around February, North Pole Enterprises were able to acquire a toy manufacturing factory in China. Wage costs alone in those sweatshops are about a third of what we used to pay to the elves. Thanks to this, I’ve heard that profits are up five-fold.
Santa: That’s excellent news. Let’s hope this trend continues as we move on to Public Relations.
Head of Public Relations (Rudolf): PR, as you know, is all about increasing the belief that people hold in our cause. This belief is the main selling point to all our investors. Super Fun Happy Toy Incorporated alone bought an extra 0.7% stake of North Pole Enterprises based on last year’s increase in belief units.
We have had an increase in belief units for this year, but it isn’t as high as we anticipated. The main cause for this lower than expected result is due to the unexpected failure of this year’s propaganda device.
Santa: You mean ‘Choo-Choo Train to Santaland’, that film we spent $40 million on, $10 million of that on that famous actor, Joe Pascipade?
Rudolf: Yes, that one. Despite Mr. Pascipade voicing many of the characters, it failed to hit the adult demographic as hard as it could. And the subliminal messages we planted basically flew over the kids’ heads.
Santa: But those scumbags still got the basic message, right?
Rudolf: Yes, sir, they did. But only at about half the potential.
Santa: Well you better do something better next year. Or your nose won’t be the only thing that’s red. While you’re at it, remind me later to add this Pascipade to the naughty list.
Rudolf: Yessir.
Santa: Okay, Mr. Santa Deployment head, give me the rundown.
Vice-head of Santa Deployment (Bing Bowie): This year, like every year before it, went nearly without a hitch. All the necessary people were trained in our Santa Duplicate Academy, passed with flying colours, and were deployed to the appropriate areas. Additionally, testing for our planned Christmas Cynics Brainwashing Program have yielded good results.
Santa: What about this ‘nearly’ you mentioned at the start?
Bing Bowie: Umm, as usual, there were a couple of incidents where some punk teens stole the duplicates’ fake beards. [beat] But also, you second cousin in Iceland caused some problems. Apparently, one family was dissatisfied with their holiday there. They went on the news about it, and the rest is, well, sensationalist history.
Santa: For the love of...Why am I not surprised that he was involved in this. We might have to get another intervention and AA team on him.
Look, I’ve had enough bad news for now. Let’s take a break. We resume in one hour.
[The rest of the board leaves except for one]
Santa: So, how did your division go?
Head of discreet operations (Juan): Everything is going as planned. We’ve been distributing copies of the standard Christmas conversion projects, ‘Miracle on 34^th Street’ and ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’, to various non-believers. That’s why PR reported that growth.
Santa: And…
Juan: Yes. And we’ve managed to extract some more immortality elixir. You’ll be doing your thing for yet another year.
Santa: Very good. You can go now.
[Juan leaves. Santa leans back on chair and sighs]
Santa: Why did I let them make me change Christmas to this whole corporate bullshit? Christmas Spirit my fat, saggy arse.

and on that rather optimistic note, have a very merry Christmas. watch this space for a special present.

A half-decent nerd tale

The disturbing, ranting adventure of a person who walks into a shop and spends...
$74.84. That's how much I spent on a video game. I actually wanted to spend this amount of money, almost half my fortnightly wage, on the game Half-Life 2. This may look like a dramatic step towards nerdism. Luckily, I waited about a week or two before I got the game. No midnight openings for me. Besides, being surrounded by a horde of nerds is...disturbing for an antisocialite like me.
(Posting a post about this game seems like an even bigger step towards nerdism. However, I'm very bored, and the idea of having an Olympics 'joke' as the most recent post doesn't seem too good. Who says that I'm not topical?)
Anyway, two hours after installing the game, after the process that I had to go through to activate the game, I finally got to play. Two hours later, ironically, I can't play the game. Not because I've finished it, but because I'm scared of the game.
That's right. I'm afraid of a video game.
Call me crazy (on top of Antisocial, elitist, time-consuming, and a frequent poster), but the little enemies in that game just give me the creeps. These little black, spider-like aliens have stopped me from playing this game. Isn't this great. I paid $74.84 for a game that I can't play.

Luckily, the 5 CD set came with another game: Counter-Strike Source. An updated version of the online game that has spawned a generation of nasal, smelly nerds (they do have their own smell, like an old person has that smell of geriatricity and mothballs), and even has caused a murder (Apparently, someone was killed by someone else who dressed up in a CS costume).
As it's school holidays, and as I've got Way too much time on my hands (hence this weblog), I decided to give the game a go.
This game is an experience. Not because of the game play, but because of its players. Being the shite player I am, I got to watch the other players play and converse with each other. And let me tell you, it ain't healthy. I've seen more maturity in a group of year 7 and 8 kids. These nerds do nothing but insult each other, throwing insults ("ur gay". "no, ur gy". "no, im not". "yes u r". etc.) and accusations ("HaXoR. Ban the gay HaXoR). I have no idea what the last one means, by the way. It just seems like an insult.
Not to mention what happens when someone brings up technology. I've seen games come to a complete stop as the other players have conversations and 'civilised' debates about video cards. These nerds are very elitist on this topic. I mentioned that I have a Geforce 2 (a rather outdated video card), and everyone pounced on me like geeky vultures on a Playboy magazine. For a good 5 minutes, nerds on their microphones were laughing at me and calling me weird things that I can't remember and understand.
One more tale to bore you all. Whilst playing, a female voice appears among their drone of nerdy, male voices. Immediately after this message was broadcast, society went flying out the window. "omg. r u a grl?". "a girl on cs?". And so on, and so forth. There are girls all over the place. Who cares if there's one playing a video game?

Well, its back to my $74.84 investment. Time to not play a game, and be surrounded by immature, girl-fearing, nasal-voiced nerds.

(I realise the irony of complaining of nerds and playing a nerdish-type game at the same time. So don't bother making a scene out of it)

The Olympics starring Australia

Ingredients for an Olympic coverage: Homeland bias, a touch of politics, and a crapload more homeland bias.
Host: ‘Welcome back to or coverage of the Olympic games. We you enjoyed that last montage of all of the Australian gold medallists. At the last count, that’s the 426th time that we’ve shown that sequence. I think that’s a WORLD RECORD! GO YOU GOOD THING! AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AU… [gurgle…gurgle].
Ahem, sorry about that. Just had to dip my head in freezing cold water to calm myself down. Anyway, I’m sure that we will show you another of those golden sequences, probably the exact same one, in the next half hour or so.
Anyway, what a day it’s been. Full of events, full of controversy, and there’s still a lot more to come. But to recap what’s already happened, let’s go to the newsroom for the latest Olympic news.’
Newsroom girl: ‘Thanks. And what a brilliant effort there by you. Four-hundred-and-twenty-six times. That’s definitely a gold medal effort there by you.’
Host: ‘I know. It’s just so great because the Aussies are so great. COME ON EVERYBODY! SHOW YOUR PRIDE! AUSTRALIANS ALL LET US REJOICE! FOR WE… Hey, let go of me. No! Not the calming cattle prod. Anything but the calming cattle prod! Help. Hel-’
Newsroom girl: ‘Sorry about that. Anyway, back to the latest. The events that have unfolded in the Pool C football match are just too much for words to describe. Just see for yourself. This is the Pool C football match between the United States and Iraq’

Football commentary: ‘We’re half-way through the first half here in this historical match between USA and Iraq. The bangs of gunfire and screams of horror have been replaced with the bangs of kicking and screams of enthusiasm. These Iraqi and American spectators have been treated to a brilliant match. 2-all with twenty minutes to go in this half.
Oh. One of the Iraqis has been given a foul for tripping the American striker. It looked like a dive though, and that’s what the Iraqi thinks too. He’s arguing with the umpire…and he’s been given a yellow card.
And he is not happy. He’s running up to the American and…ooh; he’s thrown a punch. We’ve got a fist-fight now, folks. Scratch that. We’ve got a melee here. Both sides are tearing into each-other. Blood is falling all over the place.
Now the Spectators are joining in. The American fans are getting their pistols out, and the Iraqis are getting their rifles out as well. What has happened? What was once a peaceful match has become a war zone. But what a sight it is though. KILL HIM…KI [bang].
(Oh my goodness…the commentator's been killed with one of them bullets. Someone get a camera in here!’)

Newsroom girl: ‘Disturbing images, there, from the football arena. The results, by the way, are: America 2, Iraq 2; and the death toll is currently at 45. At least Australia wasn’t involved. Wait. I’m just getting some news here… [gasp]. I’ve just heard that one of those killed was an Australian spectator. He seems to be nobody famous, but… [sob]…he’s an Australian. [sob] Back to you in the studio.’
Host: ‘Thanks a lot for the latest. Dramatic stuff there in the football. Reminds me of what happened yesterday in the shooting range. Coincidently, America, Korea and France were competing against each other in the trap shooting. The world record was broken there. The American managed to get 16 confirmed kills in one minute before he was taken down by his own bullet.
Well, onto the next event in our coverage. The boxing has brought out the best in Australian boxing. Fellow Aussie Gorgeous George has reached the semi finals. Gorgeous is now fighting the American Joe Paxton for a place in the finals. We pick up the fight in the third round. Australia leads 42 points to 40.’

Boxing commentary: ‘Welcome back to the arena here. What a fight it’s been. We’re up to the forties in the third round, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop too soon. Punches have been landing here, there and everywhere. [ding]
And there goes the bell. Australia is up by two points. They lead 56 to 54. They’re at their corners now. It…it looks like Gorgeous has received a message. Let’s see if we can get a camera there. Here we go. It looks like a message from Canberra. I can make out a little bit. It says, "Congratulations on the third round lead, but…" [ding].
Well, the bell has gone, and the fourth round has begun. They’re going up to each other, and…wait a minute. Paxton is landing punch after punch. And Gorgeous isn’t doing anything about it! He’s just standing there while being beaten up. And down he goes! It looks like he’s received quite a belting. Brain damage looks quite likely here.
We’ve just got a hold of the rest of that message. It said, ‘Congratulations on the third round lead, but please stop winning. It’s for the good of the nation and for the good of our relationship with America.’ Well, what a turn of events here. Gorgeous has thrown the fight, but for a good cause, apparently. Look at the American, showboating his way around the arena. He’s got a song and dance sequence going right now. Anyway, back to the studio! Goodness, he’s doing a striptease. TAKE IT OFF! Man boobs, man boobs, man boobs...’

Host: ‘A brilliant boxing match there. It’s a shame we didn’t win, but at least we lost to a brilliant opponent. And what dignity he lost with too. He didn’t even put up a fight. It’s time for a commercial break, but before that, we’ve got a dedication to the poor Australian that was involved in the football, quickly followed by the Australian gold medallist’s montage. GO AUSSIE GO! WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA. YOU’LL COME A WALTZING MATILDA WITH ME...’

The toe-tappingly tragic troubles of a particular type of refugee

For when one super fast doof-doof is already too much
There is something dying on the waves. They desperately try to be noticed and have their voice and complete message heard. But slowly but surely, these have been dying off. The government has done nothing to slow down this purging. I talk about, of course, album versions of songs.

For too long now, radio stations have edited and processed the hell out of the original, on-the-album versions of the latest and greatest songs. Some chopping are subtle and/or necessary (according to law and good taste), but some of the prime cuts absolutely butcher the song; castrating, slicing, dicing and killing the meaning of the song.

Like I said, some of the cuts are necessary, whether it be because of the language (The awkward pause occurs in that crappy, cuss-laden Eamon song at least 30 times. True story.) or the themes of the lyrics (Eminem's 'Stan' had whole lines severed because of the content).

Then comes a recent-ish (I think) version of editing: speeding up songs. Have you ever tuned in to your favourite commercial station (How could you?!), became excited as they played your favourite song that you've memorised every single nuance of, but then realise that the song seems shorter, that the pitch is a little higher? This is the radio station's fault. This speed-up is done to be able to squeeze in more ad time, while unintentionally (or is it?) sacrificing the very nature of a song. WILL YOU LET THIS STAND?

If you think that's bad, brace yourselves for the next radio WMD: Dance mixes. [insert dramatic musical sting]. Imagine a slowish-yet-irresistible song. Got it in your mind? Now imagine that song sped up about two or three times the usual tempo. Ugly, isn't it? Now imagine the song with a crappy drum beat and synth tune. Scared yet? Now remove the most catchy bits of the song. What are you left with? A shell of a poor excuse for a song. Basically, annoying background noise that will haunt you very reality and dreams.
Why have I given you this nightmarish mental image? To prove a point. While I'm making points, let me dedicate this paragraph to 'Song 2' by Blur. You know, the 'woo-hoo' song? I was listening to a commercial station (Forgive me for my sins, readers!). They were airing one of those programs with hours of crappy dance music and remixes. My ears prickled when I heard the familiar guitar riff of said song. I prepared to rock on to the 'woo-hoo' bit; the very essence of the song that makes it so damn delicious. I hear the riff again. No biggie. Then I hear the same riff again. And again. And again. Over and over again. Then the 'cool, hip' choppy version of the starting guitar riff. Five minutes later (yes, that's how long they repeated the riff for), the woo-hoo bit finally played. Unfortunately, by this time, I had already smashed up a couple of things and vomited in rage, so the song was entirely ruined. Five seconds after the woo-hoo bit, there's the transition into the next disaster. Rest in peace Song 2. Your memory and woo-hoo bit lives on.

How many other songs like Song 2 have to suffer the fate of the commercial radio nip & tuck for the sake of squeezing in one more ad, and appealing to the 'Drugged-up raver who isn't even listening to the radio but is instead taking one too many ekkies and frothing at the mouth' demographic. The normal class is being alienated to the point of [shudder] turning off the radio?! [Dun-dun-dun].

So do whatever you have to do to stop this atrocity. Send complaints. Walk in and complain. Start your own community station. Hell, even sulk around and bitch and whine your troubles into your own little bottle that'll end up exploding in a public hissy-fit. We need to get rid of this curse. Screw everything else. This is the real curse on our fair world.

The debate gets fatter

Adding some more useless, fatty arguments to the arteries of the McDonalds debacle
What a turn of events this is? McDonalds, who were once being silent over the film Super Size Me, has now suddenly released a multi-million dollar campaign trying to rebut some of the claims made in said film and to just basically try to (in a way) tarnish Morgan Spurlock's reputation vary much like he has tarnished the reputation of those famous golden arches (more so).
Boy, oh boy, I had one of the biggest laughs of the week when I heard this. By the time I visited the McDonalds site, I was pissing myself laughing. This is a sheer act of paranoia and a try-hard attempt to save face.
Lets begin with their treatment of the movie. Go to the site (http://www.mcdonalds.com.au)or watch one of their ads. Notice how they never refer to Super Size Me by its name. They refer to it, but never directly mention "that movie". An attempt to avoid breach copyright laws, or something more cowardice?

Speaking of the site, some of the stuff there is pure comedy gold. Let's go over some of this stuff.
A real feature is the letter that they somehow got from America from Spurlock, which contains him praising the new nutritional moves. A sign of how low they will go in order to disgrace the guy. But still, while Maccas have a valid point (in the letter), at the same time, it may have been a suck-up attempt by Spurlock in order to get an interview, where all the required bits (ie. Anti-McDonalds comments) will be included in the movie, and the excess stuff cut out. What any other political documentary will do.
The other big thing on the site is the 'myths and facts' section. Again they refer to the movie as "That Movie". Some of the claims however, I want to add my own little spin and analysis onto.
The supersizing of meals
McDonalds mention that they don't sell supersize meals at all. Though they can never say that they haven't ever sold the size. Back in 2001, they sold a 'Monster Size' meal in conjunction with Monsters Inc. A quarter of kilo of chips and over a litre of coke, all combined with a big, yet average, burger. And last year (if memory serves me correctly), they were advertising supersize cokes on the screens. And I've even heard that immediately before and after the movie's release, supersized products were still available on request.
Sundaes and Yoghurts
Super Size Me claims that there is nearly as much calories in a Yoghurt Parfait as there is in a Hot Fudge Sundae. McDonalds argues this claim by praising the Berrynice Yoghurt Crunch (Notice the use of a possibly different product) and its lesser calories. This claim however, is a bit fruity. Looking at the nutritional information that McDonalds claims to have in large availability, the Sundae has a total of 343kCal. Guess how many calories are in the Yoghurt...317kCal. It does have less calories, but I don't think that 26kCal will have much of an affect on the average diet.
The fatness and caloric fun of the TV ads
Drastically changing topics here, on the TV ads, the guy speaking (Guy Russo) contradicts Spurlock's claim of McDonalds' unhealthiness by saying "I could have told him that." But Guy, by saying this to us, all you will be doing is making us hear this for the millionth time in our lives. It is common fact that McDonalds foods are unhealthy. We were raised on this fact. And also, isn't it a bit of an anti-ad by saying that your own product is unhealthy and bad for you?

Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that the effort that McDonalds Australia has put into trying to saving a bit of face is a bit over the top, and at times useless and fictitious. They didn't even have to go this far. After all, we should all realize that Super Size Me was mainly aimed at the American branch of McDonalds. The Australian branch isn't mentioned once in the movie. In fact the only time the land down under is mentioned (and I'm a bit unsure on this) is when we're named the second fattest country on Earth. They could've left it to the Americans to pay for a half-decent smear campaign. But instead, this half-baked and malnourished campaign has many of its points lost on many of its targets.

How to get on TV

Stinging social commentary for everyone
‘Why’, I hear you ask, ‘should I make an actual effort to get on television?’ Well, there are many, many reasons why. Fame, fortune, money, and a reputation allowing you to get into the hottest of places. But these are minuscule compared to one other reason. Bragging rights. Get on TV, and you’ll be able to flaunt your fifteen minutes of TV fame to all your friends, acquaintances, associates, enemies and strangers. Anyway, follow any of the following methods, and you’ll be receiving that free beer from the guy next to you in no time.

1. Have an intimate affair with a celebrity.
Throughout TV history (well, at least in the modern-day rule of the tabloid), coming out with an affair with major stars, especially sports stars, has been a foolproof way of having your face splashed all over the covers of newspapers (with a 10-page spread in any News Corp papers, and a whole issue dedicated to you in the English tabloids) and all over the current affairs shows, no matter how crazy and inaccurate the allegations are.
However, try to be original in who you’re accusing. If you accuse Warnie or Becks, you’ll only get that 3-page spread in the Herald Sun and the five-minute interview on Today Tonight, instead of the 10-page spread and quarter-hour episode interview, respectively. Instead, say in that media conference that you had an affair with someone like Sam Newman, even if you’re a guy. A gay relationship will certainly get you more than your fifteen minutes (as you’ll see later in this guide). Hell, you’ll probably get a whole hour.

2. Contract a fatal, or at least disabling, disease.
Remember that day last year, when the headlining story of the news programs was singer-actress Delta Goodrem cancer. Although it was widely reported that it wasn’t lethal, her canter with cancer raised her status from ‘Triple Platinum album selling-Best New Actress Logie winning’ fame to ‘Fourteen-times Platinum album selling-Most Popular Actress Logie winning’ fame. And if it worked for her, it will most certainly work for you.
Sure you won’t win any Logie awards, or get leading roles in films based on books aimed at the early-teens, you’ll still get plenty of air time. Not on the news, but most certainly on A Current Affair. If you’re lucky, you’ll also get an hour long documentary dedicated to your tragic fight hosted by either Mike Munroe or Ray Martin. Remember that woman with anorexia?
You don’t even have to actually become sick, or even admit to having a real disease. All you need to do is look sort-of, kinda sick, and break down some while you’re saying to a flock of media guys that you have a case of ‘Ferocious Pelvic Thrust Syndrome’ or ‘Bell’s Palsy’.

3. Become Gay
Even if you’ve been hiding in your bedroom, hiding under your doona, closing your eyes, covering your ears, and humming Macho Man to yourself for the past two years, you would most certainly know about the sudden influx of gay shows. Whether it be Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Queer As Folk, or that couple (you know who I’m talking about) from The Block, gay has become the new black. It’s hip. It’s fab. It’s full of tjuzz (however the hell you spell the damn word). And it’s popular; no matter how much those right wing conservatives reject to it.
So what better way is there to get on TV than jump on the bandwagon and root for the other team (don’t think about it that way, you dirty, dirty people). Make over your wardrobe. Get a wax. Get a manicure, pedicure, and everything else to do you up. Get a boyfriend. Get a camp accent not dissimilar to Carson. Do all these, hand up a treatment for a ‘Revolutionary New Gay Makeover-Romantic-Dramedy’, and you’ll be gaying it up with the best of them on your very own TV show.
And if you’re a female, make sure you involve yourself in some scenes of hot lesbian loving, a la The L Word. You’ll get free publicity from religious groups and overly conservative, creation-believing Americans. On top of that, you’ll definitely attract the lucrative ‘Horny Teen Male’ demographic.

So, there you have it folks. Three different, yet equally effective, methods of achieving one of life's goals: Getting on TV. When you're up there, staring down that camera, and either breaking news about your affair with Mr. or Mrs. Celebrity, breaking down and becoming sick at the same time in front of Ray, or suggesting that some loser guy will look cool if he got a bikini wax; send me a nice, healthy cheque or two to me. Because if you don't...

Making a Grand Final out of a Pre-Season match

2004 AFL incident #70 (#69 being the Saint's debacle)
Anyone Australians reading this (as if) would certainly know about the whole James Hird and Scott McLaren debacle. It's been EVERYWHERE. On the front pages of newspapers, top stories in the news, and on The Footy Show promos ('Tackling the big issues'...or along the lines of that quote).

For those of you who don't know (I'm not going to point the finger at anyone), after James Hird said on The Footy Show that the umpiring of Scott McLaren during a Round 2 AFL match was "disgraceful". The next day (or the day after), this incident blew up into a media frenzy. That very long weekend (it was Easter at the time), Hird made an apology during a press conference. Despite this public apology, there were still talks about suspension, fines, and other things. During the week, Hird was made to pay a $20,000 fine (with Essondon to pay an additional $5,000 fine), to make another public apology on The Footy Show, and he has agreed to help the cause of umpiring for the next few years. Last, but not least, he had to shake hands with McLaren during tonight's (Friday night) match.

I may be a simple person with a crappy blog, but it seems that all this is, I dunno, a bit over the top for a simple comment on the umpiring of McLaren. Okay, so a fine is acceptable, and a handshake between the two parties is simple yet effective,but a second public apology, a fine of such proportions, an additional fine to Hird's club, and THREE YEARS OF (what is essentially) PUBLIC SERVICE (to the umpires)?
This all seems to be alot of brew-ha-ha to avoid a slander suit, and I don't think that that's even out of the question. (I apologize if there's no longer any prospects of a slander case - please don't sue me).
I'm sure that these men in white (now bright orange, red, yellow, etc.) receive much worse chunks of abuse and accusations of "disgraceful" umpiring - but with much more colourful language and spit hitting the umpire's back of neck - every single match from pissed (both of the 'angry' and 'drunk' variety) fans, even if their decisions are clearly right. And with new technology and a crapload more microphones around the ground, some of said comments would certainly be televised, albeit extremely faintly. But these comments just bounce off them like a football, so to speak. They have the same effect as what Hird said that night, but why isn't there a big, massive crackdown on crowd behaviour against umpires?
Despite the fact that he is more famous than these people, is an actual AFL player unlike these people, sober unlike some of these people, and earns much more than these people, Hird is essentially like these people: Human. And humans tend to get all emotional on these issues. So let's cut down on the punishment and humiliation that he has to face, just slap him with a sub-$10,000 fine and maybe a one-week suspension, forget defamation claims (after all, slander occurs ALL the time, especially at atmospheric footy matches), and just play some Aussie Rules Football.

The Obligatory Introduction

"What kind of crap intro was that?"
If you've somehow stumbled onto this web log (or blog for those "in the know"), prepare to be bombarded every fortnight or so (depending on what I can push out) with opinions on The Issues, views on various things, and other jazz which MIGHT manage to drous-ify you in a dimly lit room.
If you want to comment on any entry, don't hesitate to e-mail me.

Enjoy...