"Australian singer Delta Goodrem, who is on a promotional tour in the US, rang the opening bell [at the New York Stock Exchange]..." (Source: Herald Sun)
At 2:20pm Australian time:
"Growth in the fourth quarter appears to be weaker yet, with an outright contraction quite likely,'' [the Federal Reserve's Janet Yellen] said. “Indeed, the US economy appears to be in a recession" (Source: Herald Sun)
Coincidence? I think not.
I know for a fact that Delta Goodrem is a loyal reader*, so I'll address this to her/you: Why are you stuffing up the stock markets, Delta? Sure, breaking the financial markets, like you did with The Dud's heart, will get you some great publicity for your latest album, but what's wrong with an in-store appearance, or a T-shirt? Heck, you could have even tried sublimDELTA-AVAILABLE FROM ALL GOOD RECORD STORESinal advertising, and we wouldn't have minded.
So Delta, if you're still reading this, please stop ruining the world economy.
*...not necessarily of this blog, but hey; tom-ay-to/tom-ah-to and all that.
This world is a shit place to live in. No, this blog hasn't taken a turn towards emo-ism (although I clearly haven't evolved from 2006 gags, either), but look at your local newspaper (put down that Herald Sun or Daily Telegraph, they don't count!), and you'll see pages upon pages of violence, poverty and a society that's going arse up. Last weekend, 1000 of Australia's finest all gathered in Canberra to solve some of Australia's problems by 2020. I, of course, was at the top of the invites list, but somehow my invitation got lost in the mail, eaten by my dog and other lame excuses fine I wasn't actually invited but I didn't want to go to their lamefest anyway Shut Up. But the whole thing got me thinking of ways we can make the world a better place to live in.
Sports players have been getting into a lot of trouble recently, with Nick D'arcy breaking some guy's head and Barry Hall playing a quick round of Face, Meet Fist on the field. Now, these activities involve using the hands and arms, right? Having said that, why don't we break their spines? That way, they won't be able to punch anybody out (or kick them either, for that matter). There may be a small, tiny expense in the form of wheelchairs, but think of the benefits: Instead of wasting their talents on the community service circuit or fending off a cellmate named Fisty Bob, they'll be on the field earning us medals and trophies (granted they'd for the Paralympics, but we can just cover that part of the medal with gaffer tape). All we have to worry about now is how many bookshelves we need to buy for our newly found trinkets. And, perhaps, where we can put all of our newly required disabled parking spaces...
The whole Tibet situation is a bit of a mess at the moment, isn't it? Everyone's worrying about the human rights violations going on, and whatnot. Yet China is refusing to budge in its stance. There's only one thing to stop these atrocities making our front pages. We need a new human rights issue to focus our attention on! If we're too busy making signs, shirts and songs about the plight of...the Lithuanians or the like, then we won't have enough newspaper columns to talk about the Tibetans. And newspapers can't talk about Lithuania and Tibet, whilst maintaining the legal quotas on celebrity puff pieces (I think it's 42.25% of total articles). A week later, and *poof*, no more Tibet to worry about. Heck, it worked in solving the Zimbabwe thing, the whole Darfur deal, Cambodia, and all the other solved crises out there.
Next: Public transport. Everyday, I overhear a conversation or read an angry on how crowded the trains are. If we remove the words "crowded", "congested", "packed", "jammed", "LOL" and variants thereof from the vocabulary, then we won't have anyone complaining about this. That and we won't have any loud teenagers screeching "LOL" all around the place like demented harpies or liberal/conservative lobby groups. It's a win-win situation!
Global Warming. Easy: Bring on a Nuclear Winter like they were promising us during the Cold War (although this won't stop the problem of me stealing Futurama jokes).
Finally, World Peace. Although there are several Miss America winners out and about spreading world peace and love like a venereal disease, they just aren't doing the head job. There's still violence, poverty and Alan Jones in the world. There is only one way to bring peace to the people: Kill them all. Think about it: No more people, no more conflict, violence and other bad things. The world will be at peace at last. Sure, there may not be anyone around to appreciate it, but it's WORLD PEACE, DAMMIT!!
All Nobel Peace Prizes can be sent to the usual address, thank you very much.
Pick up lines not to use at your local election night party: "Hey baby, you wanna see my opinion poll? It's a foot-long, and it's only at 54%, oh yeah" "I'm throwing a threesome with me and Antony Green. You want in?" "I say, your mammaries are making the blood swell into my pelvic region. May I insert my phallus into your orifice, perchance?" "Check out my Pork Barrel, mama!"
Disclaimer: If you're here expecting hard-hitting political analysis, don't. Just don't.
One more day, ladies and gentlemen. ONE MORE FREAKING DAY until it's upon us. Oh yes, I've been eagerly awaiting that One Day In November for a good year or so now, and it's almost finally here. If you're expecting me to lead into something completely unrelated to the election (eg. Post-Thanksgiving, Turkey's Teacher's Day, The Day After November 23!), prepare to be bitterly disappointed, because, yes, I'm talking about Election 07: Australia Edition (as opposed to Election 08: Pakistani Edition).
Amidst the 'Rudd Is My Sexy Sexy Man Studd Bud' badges and 'Liberal: The Political Party That Won't Eat Your Babies And Conscript Your Parents Into Working At The Underground Mines And Plunge Our Economy Into The Commie Red Kevin Rudd Suxxorz On Teh Bal1z0rz' banana stickers (rolls straight of the tongue, doesn't it?), there hasn't been much else going on.
Sure Tony Abbot said a swear on live TV (his rebuttal), and sure Mr and Mrs John Winston Howard came out of the closet in support of each other (here's a photo from their wedding night). But where's the passion, the heart, the mud slinging that would put Tuesday nights at Scores to shame? It's elections like these where I begin to really miss the classic put downs and insults from The Great One himself, Paul Keating (reminiscing). Overall, it's been a boring campaign. Barren, if you will (though at the same time, that allegation came from The Hefferhorn, he who said that priests should be allowed to have sex because they "wake up with a horn at four in the morning", so it hasn't been completely without horrific mental pictures - speaking of which).
So, like any other bored child (not the best segue from talking about horny priests), I went to my laptop and looked up some porn (again with the morally murky segues). After I got bored, I decided to research me some satirical videos. A foreword: This was done earlier this month, until otherworldly commitments began to take over. So unless someone is prepared to sponsor this space (because not unlike the Labor party, I'm selling out. Yeah!), you'll have to be content with slightly stale, yet still edible if you use it in a blueberry pie, other people's political satire in video form (cos I certainly can't think of anything relevant, witty, et al. by myself ).
First off, a primer for those of you unfamiliar with this MyFaceTubular election:
And a how to for political campaigning:
Speaking of furry animals:
If children's pop ain't your flava...bling...hŏs...nī'jər...some other stereotypical gangster phrase which will make me sound even more white?
A debate on Newstopia, probably the funniest show on Aussie TV at the moment (though they don't have much competition at the moment, do they?)
Another Micallef gem. Scarily still relevant despite it being done back in 2000:
More ovary-exploding Howard shenanigans (Warning: May induce heavy vomiting/pregnancy):
Not everyone is impressed by the way Howard uses his walk (that he's a woman's man, no time to talk) (Language warning: English):
Though you can never have enough Howard bashing, we might as well take a break with some Rudd lovin':
Continuing with the ethnic theme:
Time for a breather. Here's some more Micallef funny:
Here's the obligatory Chaser clip that every political clip show must have, by law:
Okay, I got bored and looked up porn:
And as we approach the climax of this election (smooth transition, I know), we remember the past, and hope we don't make the same mistakes as we've made the past several times:
Despite what Mr. Newspoll and his bastard son Galaxy poll have to say, Camp Liberal still have an ace or two up their sleeve:
And like every other variety show, best-of montage, and barely read blog, let's end with a musical number. Here's Dan Kelly and the Alpha Males with Drunk On Election Night. (Contains naughty words, though done oh so sweetly):
It isn't comedic, I know. But it's fitting. Let's hope it isn't telling of tomorrow night.
Come tomorrow, there'll be a change in the wind. If Liberal wins, there'll be overcast times, with the economy most likely plateuing if not hitting recession land due to inflationary pressures, barely anything material being done to battle climate change, and the health system still being in shambles; or if Labor wins, there'll be overcast times, with the economy most likely plateuing if not hitting recession land due to inflationary pressures, barely anything material being done to battle climate change, and the health system still being in shambles, what with their me too-ism MO.
One last quote to lave with you from the boys at Boxcutters: "Australia has a very clear choice on Saturday, and we've got a real chance to do something here, and I'd hate for Australia to wake up on Sunday morning and realise they had done the wrong thing. So I'm urging everyone to think about...your actions, and for the love of God, do not watch Mel and Kochie's election night crapathon"; "It's gotta be Antony Green and the ABC Team"
More relevant reportage from the Important Journal of Scientific Fact! (Vol. 11 Oct 07):
9/11 meant lighter bubs
A trend towards low birth-weight babies born in and around New York in the months after 9/11 has been blamed on stress caused by the attacks.
The journal Human Reproduction reported a two-thirds increase in the risk of giving birst to a slightly underweight baby in the week after 9/11.
The University of California at Berkeley researchers found it was higher even months after.
The community has been loud in its desire for a solution to childhood obesity; and the IJSF! have delivered yet again with this important, potentially life-saving, medical finding.
One prominent weight loss corporation has already launched a new advertising campaign: Are you worried that your future children will grow up morbidly obese? Well now there's a solution! Head down to your local Al-Qaeda branch or Young Liberals meeting, and ask them to ensue some fear into your community. Soon you'll be seeing images like this and this, giving your newborn a head start in life.
Think it's too good to be true? It isn't! Just ask this satisfied customer.
Not her: After my parents put me on the program, I haven't had any obesity issues. Thank you, weight-loss program! You've saved my life and public image!!
This program seems to work somewhat successfully. I have seen someone go from this to this to this after only 4 years on the program.
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In unrelated news, a new weight loss device has been discovered which will allow users to lose 20lb instantly. Schematics can be found below
Pay by credit card and get a free set of Steak Knives™. Perfect for instant weight loss on the go!
Another important lesson from the bastion of facts, stats and etc, the IJSF!
"New research shows women who fume, but stay mute, during spats are four times as likely to die than women who give in to a screaming match"
That's right, ladies. If you yell at your partner, you are four times less likely to die than if you stay silent. This means that potentially, yelling during an argument with your partner CAN MAKE YOU IMMORTAL!! Remember, it's not domestic violence, it's self-defence to save your own life. Another meaningful statistic from The Important Journal of Scientific Fact!, the source of all quality scientific research findings.
"You know who wears sunglasses indoors? Blind people and assholes" - Larry David
The other day, the new logo for the London 2012 Olympics was unveiled (and yes, I know that actually happened months ago, making that sentence about as topical as haemorrhoid cream. But I needed a decent segue, dammit!). For those of you just joining us click here for the logo; but if you like a worded description, basically it’s a retina piercing bright fluoro-pink, sharp edged ‘2012’ arranged in two rows. One could also think of it as a broken swastika. This guy (a design, not art, student) calls it bad design. One can also accurately accuse this logo of being so ugly it gives everyone it touches seizures and cancer of the retinas.
The thing that sticks out about this logo, though, is how 1980s it looks. That bright fluoro and jagged edged motif hasn’t been seen in public since its well deserved execution back when the 90s was introduced to a wide-eyed, bouffant-haired, shoulder-padded population. The makers of this logo have used the Art Student defence (if you explain something abstractly enough, it’s just got to be right) and said that the logo depicts a modern day London. The sad thing about this comment is that it is completely true. We, as a society, have devolved back to that horrific era of cringe-worthy 80s fashion. Be scared, ladies and menfolk, be very scared.
I remember back when everyone dismissed the 80s as a decade of bad fashion and an overabundance of daggy. If you dare wore something remotely fluoro, or wore sunglasses under a roof, you would be subject to several beatings and name callings. Then one day, the legitimately cool kids at school began wearing hints of this sort of thing, occasionally wearing a pair of op-shop 80s sunglasses, but in a purely ironic isn’t-this-lame way. Then that trend spread to the supposedly cool kids, who saw this as teh coolzor!, incorporating this stuff into their wardrobe and seal-clubbing uniforms. Eventually, celebrities got a hint of this from their PR hounds, and thus began the plague. Fast forward a couple of years, and now everyone is donning the 80s fashion, but in a legitimate this-is-serious-mum kind of way, blinded by supposedly popular culture.
If you think I’m wrong, just pop down to your local seal-clubbery or business faculty in your local university to see this phenomenon in action: A mass of eye-piercing fluoro t-shirts and hoodies brighter than a whole club full of Wanker Boys, scraggy bouffant hairstyles higher than the Tower of Babel (referring to the size of the wearer’s ego, maybe?), and the bug-eyed people wearing face-sized sunglasses – so many freaking face-glasses!
This combination has pretty much become the official uniform of teenagers everywhere. Take a walk around the city and you’ll see at least a third of male teenagers wearing near-identical copies of the following:
Bouffant, scraggly hair with blonde tips;
A fluoro coloured t-shirt with words like “Shiny Disco Ball” or “I’m a Walking Dance Cliché” in a large, jagged font plastered on the front;
A hoodie with logos and icons synonymously of the 80s (in fluoro, of course);
Jeans that are either so tight you’ll be worried (sorta) that one wrong move will castrate the wearer, or so loose they hang down to the knees;
A belt so large one wouldn’t be too far off in mistaking it as a codpiece/sock-down-the-trousers; white sneakers with some name brand shouting its presence;
And last and most definitely least, the face-sized sunglasses, most likely tinted so that it acts as an impromptu mirror for every other fashion sheep to check that their hair is still perfectly coiffed.
Which brings us to the face-glasses thing, the centrepiece of this fashion rehash. Popularised by such outstanding model citizens as Paris Beckham (I’ll be surprised if the latter ever takes off her face-glasses) and Misha Barton, the face-glasses have taken off in popularity over the past year of so. The look behind the face-glasses (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!) is supposedly intended to make the face itself look smaller and thus more petite and cute. I’m guessing that whenever people put on a pair of the things, they reckon they look like this:
However, they’re more likely to look like the following:
Everywhere I go, I see a handful of people wearing these face-glasses. What’s worrying is that many of these sightings are of folks who wear these sunglasses indoors; and for males, there is no escaping the fact that they look like an absolute arsehat doing this. Once, I saw a guy – typical wanker boy – who was in a shop wearing his tinted glasses like the cool chic guy he isn’t, whilst LOOKING AT OTHER TINTED FACE GLASSES!! Most of these sunglasses have some fancy-pants brand adorning them, like Dolce and Gabbana or something like that. Now here’s a conspiracy theory for you: The abbreviation of Dolce & Gabbana is D&G (the letters and punctuation mark that adorns everything the brand touches). Notice how that ampersand looks kind of like the letter A:
D&G ----> DAG!!!
What’s even more horrific than this conspiracy of the Dag staring at us in the face (or not, it’s so hard to tell where people are looking considering their D&Ggy face-glasses seem to be permanently attached to their heads), is that this 80s trend is spreading it’s influence on so many other aspects of society. Nearly every popular musical release steals samples from that decade. Rihanna’s SOS, for example, is basically a karaoke version of Soft Cell’s Tainted Love, just with the lyrics changed; kind of like that comedic device where the words of a popular song is altered to get a laugh, just without the funny, soul and irony. Nearly every second blockbuster film is a poor adaptation of an 80s invention. And we can’t mention movies without mentioning Napoleon Dynamite, the film that every uni student was quoting non-stop at one point and claiming it as TEH GREATEST FLIM EVA!!2!1!!11!!@! despite it being at best a half-decent film, which is pretty much is a cinematic homage to that decade. And, of course, that ungodly decade was the inspiration for the London 2012 logo.
Maybe I’m getting a little it ahead of myself. Perhaps this whole thing could be an attempt by the children of that era (ie. Born in the 1980s) to recapture a period of time when thing were simpler, where we didn’t have Global Warming, Oil shortages and the War on Ethnics Terroristsbombarding society (instead we had Nuclear Winter, Oil price spikes and the War on EthnicsCommunists). It could also be these kids trying to experience the decade in which they were born in, but were too young to experience the…naïve pleasures spawned from that era. Perhaps, and at this point of the blog I must label this following sentence and paragraph LIES cos the fashion big wigs all read and love this blog and get all of their ideas off of this hereby space (a comment I again must label LIES) and I like my arse the way it is at the moment: unlitigated and firm, like mutton. Where was I? Ah yes. Perhaps, this could just be a campaign by Dolce & Gabbana and other fashion companies to clear out warehouses full of surplus face-glasses and fluoro 80s clothing*.
The only hope I can see in this whole debacle is that fashion, like the folk that follow it almost sheepishly, is an easily distracted creature. For some reason, it stumbled upon some mothballed boxes of bad 80s clothing and accessories, and decided to call that The Modern Fashion. Now that 80s fashion is truly entrenched in society, it will hopefully be a short time before the fashion beast tires of the 80s, and moves on to another decade to be ‘inspired’ by. Here’s hoping that Mr. Versace or Ms. Target bump into a crate of clothes from the 1890s, cos who here doesn’t want to dress up like a grizzly old gold prospector or a character from a Jane Austen novel?
At the moment, though, we’re still dressing and living in the past, with wanker boys and permatan bimbos continuing to dictate market forces and how society runs in general. This Attack of the D&G has made some forget that the uniform they wear so adamantly now as a fashion statement was not so long ago, and will soon be, considered horrifically daggy and naff. I personally can’t wait to see the looks on the faces of so many business students when they realise that the 80s clothes that they have spent hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on has become naff once again. In the meantime, we’ll just wait for the boffins at FashionLand to unleash a chicken onto their archived wardrobes to pick out the Next Big Thing in fashion, and simultaneously hope that something decent comes out of the Eightiesfication of society – A Captain Planet movie, perhaps?
Because repetition is boring. It's boring to be repetitive. Repetiveness is boredom(ness). Before I begin, let's make it clear that the London attacks were devastating and tragic. Now that that fact is clear, let's move on.
The London bombing is one of the most important news items of this year (apart from Shane Warne's hair regrowth, which, as we all know, is massive stuff. Why did it only make the front pages of nearly every newspaper, even the broadsheets? Why no hour-long heartstring-pulling/product-plugging interview about the new rug? But I digress) This is the first major terror attack since Madrid last year (remember that, folks?), and we as the public had to know every single, minute detail. What time the bombs struck, the causality count, the brand of coffee the person in the 60th seat of the 2nd carriage was drinking when the first bomb went off. All of these details are each as important, if not more important, than the previous one. That said, the TV coverage was in two ways like an all-you-can-eat buffet. First off, there was plenty of choice. In Australia, we had either the ABC (who was screening CNN all night), Channel Ten (who had CNN for an hour before screening their top priority show, Big Brother), Channel 7 (who couldn't make up their mind between this or the cricket, causing some interesting segues) and Channel 9 (who screened ITN). And cable viewers had a lot more choice with CNN, Fox (who would be looping Dubya's comments whilst praising him as their saviour), and more Brittish networks than you can poke with a stick. However, unless you''re willing to pay, most of the food at a buffet is bland and near-identical. The TV coverage was the same. Unless you had pay TV, you were stuck with the leftovers provided by free-to-air TV. This means footage of the aftermath in a mind-numbing, repetitive loop. Every five minutes, we saw the exact same footage of soot-covered victims, the exact same footage of that double-decker bus, the video-phone footage of the trains (what kind of sicko would want to record that kind of smut. After all, who needs a life when you can record low-quality video as that rubble above your head falls?), and the exact same footage of the gurney with papers flying from it trying to get past police tape (That was my personal highlight). If a station expects to keep viewers interested, they would have to provide new, hard-hitting footage. 'Less analysis, more paralysis' is the key here. Back in September 11, people were glued to their screens. School classes and workplaces came to a halt to watch the events unfold. I'm guessing that millions upon millions watched. Why? Not only was it major, major stuff, but it provided action. It showed the big hits, in full colour and widescreen. Not just barely-lit video-phone footage. These attacks on London were a tragedy. I'm not denying that fact. However, we need to be able to keep track with events as they unfold. Watching the same footage over and over and over and over and over and over again isn't exactly keeping us informed. Even a bit of expert opinion may liven things up. But unless the networks are willing to go the whole yard and keep on pumping us with information, why bother?
Ingredients for an Olympic coverage: Homeland bias, a touch of politics, and a crapload more homeland bias. Host: ‘Welcome back to or coverage of the Olympic games. We you enjoyed that last montage of all of the Australian gold medallists. At the last count, that’s the 426th time that we’ve shown that sequence. I think that’s a WORLD RECORD! GO YOU GOOD THING! AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AU… [gurgle…gurgle]. Ahem, sorry about that. Just had to dip my head in freezing cold water to calm myself down. Anyway, I’m sure that we will show you another of those golden sequences, probably the exact same one, in the next half hour or so. Anyway, what a day it’s been. Full of events, full of controversy, and there’s still a lot more to come. But to recap what’s already happened, let’s go to the newsroom for the latest Olympic news.’ Newsroom girl: ‘Thanks. And what a brilliant effort there by you. Four-hundred-and-twenty-six times. That’s definitely a gold medal effort there by you.’ Host: ‘I know. It’s just so great because the Aussies are so great. COME ON EVERYBODY! SHOW YOUR PRIDE! AUSTRALIANS ALL LET US REJOICE! FOR WE… Hey, let go of me. No! Not the calming cattle prod. Anything but the calming cattle prod! Help. Hel-’ Newsroom girl: ‘Sorry about that. Anyway, back to the latest. The events that have unfolded in the Pool C football match are just too much for words to describe. Just see for yourself. This is the Pool C football match between the United States and Iraq’
Football commentary: ‘We’re half-way through the first half here in this historical match between USA and Iraq. The bangs of gunfire and screams of horror have been replaced with the bangs of kicking and screams of enthusiasm. These Iraqi and American spectators have been treated to a brilliant match. 2-all with twenty minutes to go in this half. Oh. One of the Iraqis has been given a foul for tripping the American striker. It looked like a dive though, and that’s what the Iraqi thinks too. He’s arguing with the umpire…and he’s been given a yellow card. And he is not happy. He’s running up to the American and…ooh; he’s thrown a punch. We’ve got a fist-fight now, folks. Scratch that. We’ve got a melee here. Both sides are tearing into each-other. Blood is falling all over the place. Now the Spectators are joining in. The American fans are getting their pistols out, and the Iraqis are getting their rifles out as well. What has happened? What was once a peaceful match has become a war zone. But what a sight it is though. KILL HIM…KI [bang]. (Oh my goodness…the commentator's been killed with one of them bullets. Someone get a camera in here!’)
Newsroom girl: ‘Disturbing images, there, from the football arena. The results, by the way, are: America 2, Iraq 2; and the death toll is currently at 45. At least Australia wasn’t involved. Wait. I’m just getting some news here… [gasp]. I’ve just heard that one of those killed was an Australian spectator. He seems to be nobody famous, but… [sob]…he’s an Australian. [sob] Back to you in the studio.’ Host: ‘Thanks a lot for the latest. Dramatic stuff there in the football. Reminds me of what happened yesterday in the shooting range. Coincidently, America, Korea and France were competing against each other in the trap shooting. The world record was broken there. The American managed to get 16 confirmed kills in one minute before he was taken down by his own bullet. Well, onto the next event in our coverage. The boxing has brought out the best in Australian boxing. Fellow Aussie Gorgeous George has reached the semi finals. Gorgeous is now fighting the American Joe Paxton for a place in the finals. We pick up the fight in the third round. Australia leads 42 points to 40.’
Boxing commentary: ‘Welcome back to the arena here. What a fight it’s been. We’re up to the forties in the third round, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop too soon. Punches have been landing here, there and everywhere. [ding] And there goes the bell. Australia is up by two points. They lead 56 to 54. They’re at their corners now. It…it looks like Gorgeous has received a message. Let’s see if we can get a camera there. Here we go. It looks like a message from Canberra. I can make out a little bit. It says, "Congratulations on the third round lead, but…" [ding]. Well, the bell has gone, and the fourth round has begun. They’re going up to each other, and…wait a minute. Paxton is landing punch after punch. And Gorgeous isn’t doing anything about it! He’s just standing there while being beaten up. And down he goes! It looks like he’s received quite a belting. Brain damage looks quite likely here. We’ve just got a hold of the rest of that message. It said, ‘Congratulations on the third round lead, but please stop winning. It’s for the good of the nation and for the good of our relationship with America.’ Well, what a turn of events here. Gorgeous has thrown the fight, but for a good cause, apparently. Look at the American, showboating his way around the arena. He’s got a song and dance sequence going right now. Anyway, back to the studio! Goodness, he’s doing a striptease. TAKE IT OFF! Man boobs, man boobs, man boobs...’
Host: ‘A brilliant boxing match there. It’s a shame we didn’t win, but at least we lost to a brilliant opponent. And what dignity he lost with too. He didn’t even put up a fight. It’s time for a commercial break, but before that, we’ve got a dedication to the poor Australian that was involved in the football, quickly followed by the Australian gold medallist’s montage. GO AUSSIE GO! WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA. YOU’LL COME A WALTZING MATILDA WITH ME...’
Adding some more useless, fatty arguments to the arteries of the McDonalds debacle What a turn of events this is? McDonalds, who were once being silent over the film Super Size Me, has now suddenly released a multi-million dollar campaign trying to rebut some of the claims made in said film and to just basically try to (in a way) tarnish Morgan Spurlock's reputation vary much like he has tarnished the reputation of those famous golden arches (more so). Boy, oh boy, I had one of the biggest laughs of the week when I heard this. By the time I visited the McDonalds site, I was pissing myself laughing. This is a sheer act of paranoia and a try-hard attempt to save face. Lets begin with their treatment of the movie. Go to the site (http://www.mcdonalds.com.au)or watch one of their ads. Notice how they never refer to Super Size Me by its name. They refer to it, but never directly mention "that movie". An attempt to avoid breach copyright laws, or something more cowardice?
Speaking of the site, some of the stuff there is pure comedy gold. Let's go over some of this stuff. A real feature is the letter that they somehow got from America from Spurlock, which contains him praising the new nutritional moves. A sign of how low they will go in order to disgrace the guy. But still, while Maccas have a valid point (in the letter), at the same time, it may have been a suck-up attempt by Spurlock in order to get an interview, where all the required bits (ie. Anti-McDonalds comments) will be included in the movie, and the excess stuff cut out. What any other political documentary will do. The other big thing on the site is the 'myths and facts' section. Again they refer to the movie as "That Movie". Some of the claims however, I want to add my own little spin and analysis onto. The supersizing of meals McDonalds mention that they don't sell supersize meals at all. Though they can never say that they haven't ever sold the size. Back in 2001, they sold a 'Monster Size' meal in conjunction with Monsters Inc. A quarter of kilo of chips and over a litre of coke, all combined with a big, yet average, burger. And last year (if memory serves me correctly), they were advertising supersize cokes on the screens. And I've even heard that immediately before and after the movie's release, supersized products were still available on request. Sundaes and Yoghurts Super Size Me claims that there is nearly as much calories in a Yoghurt Parfait as there is in a Hot Fudge Sundae. McDonalds argues this claim by praising the Berrynice Yoghurt Crunch (Notice the use of a possibly different product) and its lesser calories. This claim however, is a bit fruity. Looking at the nutritional information that McDonalds claims to have in large availability, the Sundae has a total of 343kCal. Guess how many calories are in the Yoghurt...317kCal. It does have less calories, but I don't think that 26kCal will have much of an affect on the average diet. The fatness and caloric fun of the TV ads Drastically changing topics here, on the TV ads, the guy speaking (Guy Russo) contradicts Spurlock's claim of McDonalds' unhealthiness by saying "I could have told him that." But Guy, by saying this to us, all you will be doing is making us hear this for the millionth time in our lives. It is common fact that McDonalds foods are unhealthy. We were raised on this fact. And also, isn't it a bit of an anti-ad by saying that your own product is unhealthy and bad for you?
Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that the effort that McDonalds Australia has put into trying to saving a bit of face is a bit over the top, and at times useless and fictitious. They didn't even have to go this far. After all, we should all realize that Super Size Me was mainly aimed at the American branch of McDonalds. The Australian branch isn't mentioned once in the movie. In fact the only time the land down under is mentioned (and I'm a bit unsure on this) is when we're named the second fattest country on Earth. They could've left it to the Americans to pay for a half-decent smear campaign. But instead, this half-baked and malnourished campaign has many of its points lost on many of its targets.
2004 AFL incident #70 (#69 being the Saint's debacle) Anyone Australians reading this (as if) would certainly know about the whole James Hird and Scott McLaren debacle. It's been EVERYWHERE. On the front pages of newspapers, top stories in the news, and on The Footy Show promos ('Tackling the big issues'...or along the lines of that quote).
For those of you who don't know (I'm not going to point the finger at anyone), after James Hird said on The Footy Show that the umpiring of Scott McLaren during a Round 2 AFL match was "disgraceful". The next day (or the day after), this incident blew up into a media frenzy. That very long weekend (it was Easter at the time), Hird made an apology during a press conference. Despite this public apology, there were still talks about suspension, fines, and other things. During the week, Hird was made to pay a $20,000 fine (with Essondon to pay an additional $5,000 fine), to make another public apology on The Footy Show, and he has agreed to help the cause of umpiring for the next few years. Last, but not least, he had to shake hands with McLaren during tonight's (Friday night) match.
I may be a simple person with a crappy blog, but it seems that all this is, I dunno, a bit over the top for a simple comment on the umpiring of McLaren. Okay, so a fine is acceptable, and a handshake between the two parties is simple yet effective,but a second public apology, a fine of such proportions, an additional fine to Hird's club, and THREE YEARS OF (what is essentially) PUBLIC SERVICE (to the umpires)? This all seems to be alot of brew-ha-ha to avoid a slander suit, and I don't think that that's even out of the question. (I apologize if there's no longer any prospects of a slander case - please don't sue me). I'm sure that these men in white (now bright orange, red, yellow, etc.) receive much worse chunks of abuse and accusations of "disgraceful" umpiring - but with much more colourful language and spit hitting the umpire's back of neck - every single match from pissed (both of the 'angry' and 'drunk' variety) fans, even if their decisions are clearly right. And with new technology and a crapload more microphones around the ground, some of said comments would certainly be televised, albeit extremely faintly. But these comments just bounce off them like a football, so to speak. They have the same effect as what Hird said that night, but why isn't there a big, massive crackdown on crowd behaviour against umpires? Despite the fact that he is more famous than these people, is an actual AFL player unlike these people, sober unlike some of these people, and earns much more than these people, Hird is essentially like these people: Human. And humans tend to get all emotional on these issues. So let's cut down on the punishment and humiliation that he has to face, just slap him with a sub-$10,000 fine and maybe a one-week suspension, forget defamation claims (after all, slander occurs ALL the time, especially at atmospheric footy matches), and just play some Aussie Rules Football.
