Muzakal Revue: Novelty Month

A frog, a crocodile and a chipmunk walk into a bar...being swung at their direction by me
The ARIA singles chart right now is in a very, very sad state. Why? According to these charts (25/7/05), not one, not two, but THREE novelty, utter bullshi'ite songs are terrorising our charts. Two of those songs are singles based on ringtones. T'other is the conventional novelty song. The songs that I need mention are:

• No. 1: Crazy Frog - Axle F
• No. 2: Akon - Lonely
• No. 12: Schnappi - Das Kleine Krokadil (Crocodile Song)

Let's start with the most disturbing trend. Back in the day (of which I can't remember), the crazy frog (notice the lack of capital letters, on my behalf) sound effect was released into the world. Coupla years later, mobile company jamster bought the rights, and began to not only flog the dead horse, but do other sick, twisted things to it. And now we come to the single, number one in many countries, including the UK and Australia.
The crocodile song also spawned off a ringtone.
Which poses the following question: SINCE WHEN IS A RINTONE CONSIDERED A FUNKING SINGLE?! This worse than the conventional novelty song(Macarena, Ketchup Song, etc.). At least they have some sort of substance and purpose out of it, maybe even a dance. These marketing ploys, which are about as subtle as someone beating you over the head with a mallet with the word "shameless" written all over it, are soulless. No musical talent, no passion, no talent, no purpose...did I mention no talent? They are a waste of our air(waves), and annoying as hell to boot.
Let's get back to individual attacks for a minute. The crazy frog ringtone is probably one of the most, nay, the most annoying thing I've had the displeasure to hear. However, there are as many people who hail the frog (and I ask them, why?) as people who want to tear that frog a new one. So what do jamster do? They steal a movie theme, add a doof-doof beat, and release it as a single, with three additional mixes. Original(!).
The crocodile song...well, I haven't actually heard the song, so no bitching for this one. However, I have heard from many reliable sources that it is a crappy song. And looking at the single, it has a total of eight tracks, including: the original, the X-mas mix, and even the karaoke mix. A slight bit of overkill, there.
Now, lonely. Although this isn't a novelty song per se (since akon's actually released an album), I call it a novelty song for it's main feature: the annoying high-pitched chipmunk sample. The entire song wraps itself around it, which isn't a good thing to do in this case. Not to mention the fact the akon is all show, no substance. He can't carry a tune, and, to severely understate it, I've heard tryhard wiggaz (sic) who can rap/r&b better than akon.
The only piece of comfort I can hang on to is the fact that the singles chart isn't exactly the best indication of musical preferences. The main people who buy the stuff are kids up to the age of 14 or so, the perfect type of annoying little crap who can actually stand mindless white noise (aka. ringtones). After all, these are the kids who can watch the exact same episode of a fad anime 20 times and still enjoy it, and who decide to play all their ringtones on the train at full blast.
I won't bother to delve into the disturbing psyche of the mobile phone/novelty song creator, nor the fans who listen to and enjoy them, but it is a disturbing threat to modern musical society, which has already taken too many for them team. Need I mention the Idol winners, wuss rock (simple plan, in particular) and William Hung. The plague needs to be stopped, because if I hear that stupid frog one more freaking time...