The IJSF! on: Serotonin

A happy ending

Lookie. Important Journal of Scientific Fact! is making a science. Good for you, IJSF!:

Happy herb a wonder drug (mX, 9/10/08, p7)

Herbal extract St John's wort has long been happy alternative for those reluctant to pop pills for depression.

Now, more than just cheerful converts can testify to its mood-lifting powers.

In what has been billed as the most thorough study of the plant, scientists found St John's wort just as effective as Prozac in treating depression.

It also had fewer side effects than many standard drugs used to help those battling the blues.

So far, so meh; nothing worthy of the IJSF! Although that line "...billed as the most thorough study of the plant" makes it sound like some sort of Bruckheimer-esque action flick. How would one get their science on when the labs are being inundated with 'splosions, car chases and really poorly written dialogue?

Experts didn't know how the plant lifted depression, but most believed it would have probably worked by keeping the positive chemical serotonin in the brain for longer.

Wait...so the boffins at Science World Pty Ltd don't actually know how the thing works, so they just made, what is basically, a guess? Screw them, I could do that.

Maybe the drug worked because within every St John wort pill is a magical invisible unicorn that shoots out rainbows, flowers and love hearts out of its horn. Or maybe said boffins woke up one morning to find that a truck of money had arrived at their front lawns, courtesy of [Defamation Dodo does not approve], and they were too busy purchasing epileptic prostitutes and bottles of wine made from the blood of the people who beat them up in high school to do some proper sciencin'.


Or maybe they were ambushed by this stealthy bit of Science!:

Premature ejaculation gene found (BBC News, via Kotaku)

A study of nearly 200 Dutch men found those who climaxed too soon during intercourse had a version of a gene that controls the hormone serotonin.

In the men with premature ejaculation, serotonin appeared to be less active between the nerves in the section of the brain that controls ejaculation.

Well of course people taking the St John's wort were happier. They were too busy having hours-long sex marathons to worry about life's troubles. (As an aside: Why are there so many ads out there purporting "Longer lasting SEX"? With our mobile, on-the-go, time-poor lifestyles, do we really want our sex to be such a time waster? In the current economic climate, we need to be more efficient; with our work and with our 'work'. Besides, that terabyte of porn isn't going to masturbate to itself)


This isn't the only important fact in the article. The methodology of measuring the duration of these...experiments is interesting to say the least:

For a month, their female partners were asked to use a stopwatch at home to measure the time until ejaculation each time they had intercourse

Because nothing is hotter than having your sexings timed.

"Coming soon on an adult store near you: Stopwatch Sluts 16: Clocking Cocks"

She said men with primary premature ejaculation tended to be fast reactors generally.

"These men have very quick reflexes.

They may be excellent at playing tennis or computer games, for example."

So that would make:


This the world's shortest porn*, and




...him a dud root. His serve isn't the only thing that's quick...

She said there was good evidence that serotonin was linked ejaculation and that researchers were developing drugs for the condition that prolong this hormone's action.

Currently there is no medication for the condition on the market

That's a lie. There is a drug out there to cure both depression and premature ejaculation. It's called Sally: The Invisible Rainbow Shootin', Daisy-Pushin', Love Heart Toutin' Unicorn...in'. Side effects may include: Puncture wounds, Equine influenza and Half-human, half-horse mutant children. At least they'll be happy little freaks.

That's been some brilliant sciencing from the Important Journal of Scientific Fact! Let's hang it on the fridge.

*The strange thing is, there is a real porn called World of Whorecraft (now called Whorelore). Hit up your local search engine. Though be warned: There may be boobies...

The IJSF on: Intelligence

Science makes you smart.

Hear ye! Hear ye! The Important Journal of Scientific Fact! has come once again, bearing the news on how to live a better life than yours!

'Having a baby makes you smart' (MX: 19/3/08; p9)

Research has shown that having a baby can make women as brainy as Einstein.

An American study published this month shown in the first three months after giving birth, "mumnesia" may mean a mum leaves her shopping in the car park and puts her handbag in the fridge.

But in the long term her memory and ability to multi task improves, one of a number of physical benefits researchers say having a baby brings.

"Mumnesia" is short-term, probably due to sleep deprivation and not brain shrinkage, as previously thought.

Australian neuroscientist Allen Snyder said a woman's memory was not reduced during pregnancy, their attention was on caring for their baby.

A woman's brain was like Albert Einstein's: he used to forget where had put his big cheques while he worked out the theory of relativity.

US research on pregnant rats suggests that the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for memory, learning and emotion, might grow more neuron connections during pregnancy.

The research also found motherhood gave women more acute sight, reduced stress and a lower risk of cancer.

The study claims there is no physiological reason why women struggle to lose weight gained during pregnancy.

Breast-feeding mums, who burn an extra 2000 kJ a day, have less of an excuse.

Now we've got a bit of an exclusive for you Rant Readers. We've managed to obtain a script of an advertisement for a business which has also read this article. Take a look:

*****

(INT: KITCHEN)
Daughter, fresh from school, walks in with a depressed look on her face.
Mother: Hey there, sweetheart. Why the sad face?
The camera zooms in on Daughter's face.
Daughter: I just failed my math test.
Mother gasps. A dramatic sting plays as camera zooms in on her face.
Mother: Oh no! How will you ever find a cure for cancer now?
Darryl Sommers walks in to the kitchen
Daryl Sommers: Is this scene familiar? Hi, I'm Darryl Somers, drummer, TV personality and spokesman from Smarter Suitor. And I'm here to talk to you about the latest breakthrough in scientific technology and science that will revolutionise the way we think about intelligence.
Daryl Sommers walks out of the kitchen and into...

(INT: SCIENCE LAB)
Daryl Sommers grabs a vial of white liquid from a table, lifts it to eye-level and looks thoughtfully into it. Daryl Sommers, still holding the vial at this level, looks into the camera and continues:
Daryl Sommers (Cont'd): Important scientific findings has found that having a baby will make you smarter. Which is why we here at Smarter Suitor offers a wide range of fertile suitors able to knock up your daughter and knock up her marks. But don't just take my word for it, listen to these satisfied customers:

(INT: LIVING ROOM)
Testimonial #1: My daughter was bringing home some terrible grades. We tried beating the dumb out of her, but that only got us a court order. But since we enlisted the help of Smarter Suitor, our lovely little daughter is now a student at Harvard University. Godspeed, Suited Suitor.

(EXT: CARAVAN)
Testimonial #2: We thought we had no hope for our little girl, she was barely passing high school. But then we got us the help of the Smarter Suitor folks. Now, our baby daughter's an assistant manager at the local restaurant.

(PHOTO)
Of a Smarter Suitor home device
Daryl Sommers (V/O): Also available, our Brand New Smarter Suitor Do-It-Yourself Home Kit

(INT: BASEMENT)
Testimonial #3: My little daughter was getting Ds in every subject. But then we got the Smarter Suitor DIY Home Kit, and now the only Ds she has is in her boobs. Her round...firm...voluptuous boobs...excuse me a minute
Testimonial #3 walks out of the shot
Testimonial #3 (O/S): It's school time, daughter. Daddy's gonna pump you full of intelligence!

(INT: OFFICE)
Daryl Sommers reads a book. Daryl Sommers has a thoughtful look on his face before closing the book.
Daryl Sommers: If you truly love your daughter, visit your nearest Smarter Suitor office where one of our friendly staff will arrange a meeting to make your daughter smarter.

(INT: KITCHEN)
The heavily pregnant Daughter, fresh from school, walks in with a happy look on her face.
Mother: Hey there, sugar. How did your test go?
Daughter: Great! I got an A!!
Daughter looks into the camera.
Daughter: And I couldn't have done it without Smarter Suitor.
As Daryl Sommers walks in and stands next to Daughter:
Announcer (V/O): (Speaking quickly) Side effects of Smarter Suitor may include nausea, fatigue, headaches, back pains and syphilis.
Daryl Sommers is now standing next to Daughter.
Chyron: Smarter Suitor logo
Daryl Sommers: Smarter Suitor: Give your daughter a better chance at life.
Daryl Sommers, Daughter and Mother wave to the camera

Announcer (V/O): Coming soon: Smarter Suitor for Men.

*****

And thus, the Important Journal of Scientific Fact! has spoken. You many resume your lives.

The IJSF on: Health

Good health, bad taste.

More relevant reportage from the Important Journal of Scientific Fact! (Vol. 11 Oct 07):

9/11 meant lighter bubs

A trend towards low birth-weight babies born in and around New York in the months after 9/11 has been blamed on stress caused by the attacks.

The journal Human Reproduction reported a two-thirds increase in the risk of giving birst to a slightly underweight baby in the week after 9/11.

The University of California at Berkeley researchers found it was higher even months after.

The community has been loud in its desire for a solution to childhood obesity; and the IJSF! have delivered yet again with this important, potentially life-saving, medical finding.

One prominent weight loss corporation has already launched a new advertising campaign:
Are you worried that your future children will grow up morbidly obese? Well now there's a solution! Head down to your local Al-Qaeda branch or Young Liberals meeting, and ask them to ensue some fear into your community. Soon you'll be seeing images like this and this, giving your newborn a head start in life.

Think it's too good to be true? It isn't! Just ask this satisfied customer.

Not her: After my parents put me on the program, I haven't had any obesity issues. Thank you, weight-loss program! You've saved my life and public image!!

This program seems to work somewhat successfully. I have seen someone go from this to this to this after only 4 years on the program.


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Pay by credit card and get a free set of Steak Knives™. Perfect for instant weight loss on the go!


Another important lesson from the bastion of facts, stats and etc, the IJSF!

A community message from the IJSF!

'We need 100ccs of stat, STAT!'

An important message from The Important Journal of Scientific Fact! (Vol. 21/8/2007):

"New research shows women who fume, but stay mute, during spats are four times as likely to die than women who give in to a screaming match"

That's right, ladies. If you yell at your partner, you are four times less likely to die than if you stay silent. This means that potentially, yelling during an argument with your partner CAN MAKE YOU IMMORTAL!!
Remember, it's not domestic violence, it's self-defence to save your own life.
Another meaningful statistic from The Important Journal of Scientific Fact!, the source of all quality scientific research findings.

As you were.