Saving the world, one problem at a time

Who you gonna call?

This world is a shit place to live in. No, this blog hasn't taken a turn towards emo-ism (although I clearly haven't evolved from 2006 gags, either), but look at your local newspaper (put down that Herald Sun or Daily Telegraph, they don't count!), and you'll see pages upon pages of violence, poverty and a society that's going arse up.
Last weekend, 1000 of Australia's finest all gathered in Canberra to solve some of Australia's problems by 2020. I, of course, was at the top of the invites list, but somehow my invitation got lost in the mail, eaten by my dog and other lame excuses fine I wasn't actually invited but I didn't want to go to their lamefest anyway Shut Up. But the whole thing got me thinking of ways we can make the world a better place to live in.


Sports players have been getting into a lot of trouble recently, with Nick D'arcy breaking some guy's head and Barry Hall playing a quick round of Face, Meet Fist on the field. Now, these activities involve using the hands and arms, right? Having said that, why don't we break their spines? That way, they won't be able to punch anybody out (or kick them either, for that matter). There may be a small, tiny expense in the form of wheelchairs, but think of the benefits: Instead of wasting their talents on the community service circuit or fending off a cellmate named Fisty Bob, they'll be on the field earning us medals and trophies (granted they'd for the Paralympics, but we can just cover that part of the medal with gaffer tape). All we have to worry about now is how many bookshelves we need to buy for our newly found trinkets. And, perhaps, where we can put all of our newly required disabled parking spaces...

The whole Tibet situation is a bit of a mess at the moment, isn't it? Everyone's worrying about the human rights violations going on, and whatnot. Yet China is refusing to budge in its stance. There's only one thing to stop these atrocities making our front pages.
We need a new human rights issue to focus our attention on!
If we're too busy making signs, shirts and songs about the plight of...the Lithuanians or the like, then we won't have enough newspaper columns to talk about the Tibetans. And newspapers can't talk about Lithuania and Tibet, whilst maintaining the legal quotas on celebrity puff pieces (I think it's 42.25% of total articles). A week later, and *poof*, no more Tibet to worry about. Heck, it worked in solving the Zimbabwe thing, the whole Darfur deal, Cambodia, and all the other solved crises out there.

Next: Public transport. Everyday, I overhear a conversation or read an angry on how crowded the trains are. If we remove the words "crowded", "congested", "packed", "jammed", "LOL" and variants thereof from the vocabulary, then we won't have anyone complaining about this. That and we won't have any loud teenagers screeching "LOL" all around the place like demented harpies or liberal/conservative lobby groups. It's a win-win situation!

Global Warming. Easy: Bring on a Nuclear Winter like they were promising us during the Cold War (although this won't stop the problem of me stealing Futurama jokes).

Finally, World Peace. Although there are several Miss America winners out and about spreading world peace and love like a venereal disease, they just aren't doing the head job. There's still violence, poverty and Alan Jones in the world. There is only one way to bring peace to the people: Kill them all.
Think about it: No more people, no more conflict, violence and other bad things. The world will be at peace at last. Sure, there may not be anyone around to appreciate it, but it's WORLD PEACE, DAMMIT!!



All Nobel Peace Prizes can be sent to the usual address, thank you very much.