The IJSF! on: Serotonin

A happy ending

Lookie. Important Journal of Scientific Fact! is making a science. Good for you, IJSF!:

Happy herb a wonder drug (mX, 9/10/08, p7)

Herbal extract St John's wort has long been happy alternative for those reluctant to pop pills for depression.

Now, more than just cheerful converts can testify to its mood-lifting powers.

In what has been billed as the most thorough study of the plant, scientists found St John's wort just as effective as Prozac in treating depression.

It also had fewer side effects than many standard drugs used to help those battling the blues.

So far, so meh; nothing worthy of the IJSF! Although that line "...billed as the most thorough study of the plant" makes it sound like some sort of Bruckheimer-esque action flick. How would one get their science on when the labs are being inundated with 'splosions, car chases and really poorly written dialogue?

Experts didn't know how the plant lifted depression, but most believed it would have probably worked by keeping the positive chemical serotonin in the brain for longer.

Wait...so the boffins at Science World Pty Ltd don't actually know how the thing works, so they just made, what is basically, a guess? Screw them, I could do that.

Maybe the drug worked because within every St John wort pill is a magical invisible unicorn that shoots out rainbows, flowers and love hearts out of its horn. Or maybe said boffins woke up one morning to find that a truck of money had arrived at their front lawns, courtesy of [Defamation Dodo does not approve], and they were too busy purchasing epileptic prostitutes and bottles of wine made from the blood of the people who beat them up in high school to do some proper sciencin'.


Or maybe they were ambushed by this stealthy bit of Science!:

Premature ejaculation gene found (BBC News, via Kotaku)

A study of nearly 200 Dutch men found those who climaxed too soon during intercourse had a version of a gene that controls the hormone serotonin.

In the men with premature ejaculation, serotonin appeared to be less active between the nerves in the section of the brain that controls ejaculation.

Well of course people taking the St John's wort were happier. They were too busy having hours-long sex marathons to worry about life's troubles. (As an aside: Why are there so many ads out there purporting "Longer lasting SEX"? With our mobile, on-the-go, time-poor lifestyles, do we really want our sex to be such a time waster? In the current economic climate, we need to be more efficient; with our work and with our 'work'. Besides, that terabyte of porn isn't going to masturbate to itself)


This isn't the only important fact in the article. The methodology of measuring the duration of these...experiments is interesting to say the least:

For a month, their female partners were asked to use a stopwatch at home to measure the time until ejaculation each time they had intercourse

Because nothing is hotter than having your sexings timed.

"Coming soon on an adult store near you: Stopwatch Sluts 16: Clocking Cocks"

She said men with primary premature ejaculation tended to be fast reactors generally.

"These men have very quick reflexes.

They may be excellent at playing tennis or computer games, for example."

So that would make:


This the world's shortest porn*, and




...him a dud root. His serve isn't the only thing that's quick...

She said there was good evidence that serotonin was linked ejaculation and that researchers were developing drugs for the condition that prolong this hormone's action.

Currently there is no medication for the condition on the market

That's a lie. There is a drug out there to cure both depression and premature ejaculation. It's called Sally: The Invisible Rainbow Shootin', Daisy-Pushin', Love Heart Toutin' Unicorn...in'. Side effects may include: Puncture wounds, Equine influenza and Half-human, half-horse mutant children. At least they'll be happy little freaks.

That's been some brilliant sciencing from the Important Journal of Scientific Fact! Let's hang it on the fridge.

*The strange thing is, there is a real porn called World of Whorecraft (now called Whorelore). Hit up your local search engine. Though be warned: There may be boobies...