Talking Talkies: The Aristocrats

A family affair
A documentary which is not to be confused with the Disney animation of a similar name (cos you sure as hell don't want to take your kids to see this one).

Directed by Paul Provenza, it's basically 100 comedians infront of a DV camera telling, commenting and over-analysing what could be one of the world's filthiest jokes. A joke which is like a secret handshake between comedians, who add their own twist and take to it.

And what a joke it is. In it's purest form it goes as follows... (if you don't want to know the scores, look away now)



A man walks into a talent agent's office
Man: I've got an act involving me and my family which will blow you away
Talent agent: Okay, what do you do?

(Improv here, describing the act)(...usually involving scatology, incest, beastiality, et al)

Talent agent: That's horrible! What do you call yourselves?
Man: (with flourish) The Aristocrats


The improvised bit of the joke can achieve each and every single shade of wrong there is under the sun. If you want, look at the above spoiler.

However, the renditions are quite funny, alot of which absolutely hilarious. Robbin Williams, Whoopi Goldburg, Jon Stewart and even the South Parks kids, among others, offer their own twist on the joke. Watch for the performances by the mime, the card shark and the ventriloquist. Classic stuff.

However, there are a few downsides. The movie kinda bogs itself down with some of the interpretations, which don't match the quality of some others. The fact that the comedians seem to over-analyse the jokes almost like an English essay kills some of the buzz of the joke, ultimately slowing down the movie slightly. The editing, also, is very choppy. And let's not mention the nature of the jokes. Nasty.

Overall, though, if you aren't easily offended, you can look forward to watching quite a hilarious movie.

3.5 star.

Btw, if you want my version of the joke, look at the comments.

The 2005 Two Codge Movie Awards

Part one of the year that was 2005: The year of the right-wrong reptiles
Welcome to the inaugural Two Codge Movie Awards. An awards ceremony with a difference...and no bad jokes ('cept for that one...)
These awards are dedicated to the lovable couple of the cinema, the doyers of the talkie: David Stratton and Margaret Pomeranz. For years, these two have contributed opinions, stirred up plenty of controversy, and interrupted eachother more times than anyone can care to count. Dave & Marg have truly earned the right to be associated with these movie awards.
So without further ado, here are the categories for The 2005 Two Codge Movie Awards.


First off, the daytime awards...

Best acting: The cast of Closer
Best story: Sin City (Hon. mention to Serenity and Closer)
Funniest movie: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (Hon. mention: 40 Year Old Virgin)
Best action scenes: Sin City
Best special effects: Sin City (with an hon. mention to Serenity)
Best Soundtrack/Score: Thumbsucker (Hon. mention to Little Fish because of Sarah Blasko's cover of Flame Tree)
Best subtitles: Night Watch


And now for the main event:
The Oversized can of Fosters, aka the Obligatory Australian Film Award:
Cos we live in the land down under, we have to judge the best shrimp on the proverbial barbie.
And based on that, The Proposition receives the award for best Aussie film. Haunting, gritty, loud and a real thinker. (though Look Both Ways is supposed to be really good...)
The Awkwardly Held Brand Name Beer for Most Blatant Product Placement:
Logos are dominating today's movies more and more, and since there seems to be no escape from it all (unfortunately), we might as well dedicate the most bestest and blatant one.
We were certainly brainwashed this year. Fun With Dick and Jane had electronics and cars flaunted around. And Night Watch had coffee covering half the screen, with the other covered by tripe story.
But Transporter 2 takes out the Beer for its shameless hawking of the seemingly indestructible car. I'm surprised the director didn't stop the film to peddle his products. Tasteless.
The Margeret Pomeranz Award for Most Controversial Film:
This award is dedicated to Marg, and her endless cause to endlessly praise any film that just goes over the family lines of dignity.
Although Mysterious Skin with its paedophilic themes roused some controversy, it's without a doubt that the recipient of the Marg is 9 Songs, due to its attempt to disguise hardcore porn in the guise of an art-house film. Congratulations. You join the ranks of Ken Park, Anatomy of Hell and Blaise Moi. Such a prestigious sex-filled field.
The Dry Cow for Most Gratuitous Sequel:
Hollywood is becoming somewhat reputable for pumping out nothing but sequels, with the indie companies only releasing new ideas. We see, in this award, which cash cow was most unwontedly milked for all its worth...again.
Several movies immediately come to mind: Deuce Bigalo 2: European Gigalo, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, as well as The Legend of Zorro. All unwanted by anyone with a movie sense.
However, there can only be one winner of the Cow, and this year, it is Cheaper By The Dozen 2. The original wasn't even that big a hit in the cinemas (unlike The Mask of Zorro), and the film didn't even do anything new, considering it was a remake. So to the producers of this flick who just couldn't resist another suck of the dry teat, here's your Dry Cow.
The Super Reheated Mario Bros. for Worst Remake or Adaptation:
As well as sequels, Hollywood also tends to steal ideas from other sources, rather than, I dunno, penning a few themselves. Although a gem is occasionally released (eg. Sin City, Spiderman), it is usually followed by six or seven zirconias (Garfield, Super Mario Brothers). This award recognises the latter group, and is dedicated to the aforementioned Super Mario Bros., a terrible adaptation of a classic game. It actually made my nauseated when I watched it, which was when I was about 6 or 7. But I digress...
The Dukes of Hazzard deserves a mention just cos is almost completely relies on Jessica Simpson's cleavage to put bums on seats. But the worst of the worst has to be Bewitched. The original ideas were seldom touched, which makes for a pretty terrible adaptation. Add to that a general sense of unfunniness, disappointing performances from proven names, and the fact that Nicole Kidman can't do the nose thing (wiggling you upper lip ain't the same thing, Nic). All this adds up to an easy recipient of the Reheated Brothers.
The Special Edition DVD for Probable Cult Hit:
This award rewards the cinema underdog, the movies that seem to bomb at the cinemas despite raving reviews and quality, which will inevitably be a DVD hot (ie. Donnie Darko, Napoleon Dynamite, et al)
This year, however there is a tie. Without further delay, the joint-recipients of the DVD are Serenity and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. The former will inevitably sell well on DVD. Just visit the Internet and you'll see many, many, Many stark-raving Serenity and Firefly (the TV series which preceded Serenity) fan-boys who are literally counting down the days til the DVD comes out. The latter film, however, should be a hit, following the path of Napoleon Dynamite.
The Pauly Shore Blue Cheese for Worst Acting:
Remember this guy? If not, let me refresh your memory. He was an actor (and I use that term very loosely) in the late 80s early 90s who performed in some atrocious comedies (again, the word is used loosely) , such as Biodome and Encino Man. This award recognises the modern day reincarnations of this acting disaster.
An honourable mention goes to Jason Statham for almost breaking into an emotion for Transporter 2, but the Cheese this year goes to Rob Schnider for his truly atrocious performance in Deuce Bigalo 2: European Gigalo. He somehow made an unfunny movie even unfunnier. Congratulations Robbie boy. Have your cheese and eat it.
The Ed Wood memorial award for Worst Movie:
This award is dedicated to the memory of Ed Wood. Yes, that Ed Wood. The man notorious for such classic pieces of crap like Plan 9 From Outer Space.
It was a close one. Transporter 2 was pretty dodgy with bad acting, bad plot and product placement. And Flight Plan crashed and burned like Ansett, despite a ripper first-third.
But The Worst Film, the recipient of the Ed Wood memorial award, is Deuce Bigalo 2: European Gigalo. Just plain unfunnny the entire way . Who knows how many cringe-worthy 'jokes', and Rob Schnider [shudder]

And finally, the highlight of the Two Codge Awards, The Top Ten Movies of 2005:

(Hon. mention). The Spongebob Squarepants Movie: Screw everything else. This is the Stoner Teen Comedy of 2005. A bizarre film all-round, yet still laugh-out-loud funny.

10. Wallace and Grommit: The Curse of the Ware-rabbit: The lovable duo brought to the big screen, and its a gem. To put it simply, it's charming.

9. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Holy crap, a remake that isn't a bitter disappointment. Johnny Depp's performance is just plain creepy, but that's a good thing.

8. Thumbsucker: A great coming-of-age film. Funny at moments, touching at others. An experience the whole way.

7. The 40 Year Old Virgin: A sex comedy which, believe it or not, is actually funny. Likeable characters also doesn't hurt this film.

6. Closer: A very intimate movie. Despite the fact that some characters are plain unlikeable, you get absorbed into these four people's lives and loves. The acting, too, is top-notch.

5. Howl's Moving Castle: The folks at Studio Ghibli can never put a foot wrong. Although not as good as the marvellous Spirited Away, this movie is still great, providing beautiful animations and flawed-yet-likeable characters, and, most importantly, another world which you just get sucked into.

4. Serenity: A 2-hour episode of Firefly. Who could want more? (btw. There is but a hint of Firefly bias in this choice, but hey)

3. Corpse Bride: A shortie, but a goodie. A great script accompanied by catchy songs and beautiful animation.

2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Hilarious. Some may complain of it being too pretentious and post-modern, but the witty dialogue just melts away any of these doubts. The acting is also particularly decent, with Robert Downey Jr. proving that he can act well when drug-free.

and the number one...

#1. Sin City: It's sexy. It's gritty. It's very violent. Add to that a classic story, and that film noir attitude , and you have yourself this film, just brilliant from nearly every perspective.

Congratulations to all the winners of the 2005 Two Codge Movie Awards. Lets hope 2006 will bring plenty of classic films to talk, rave and bitch about. Until then, goodnight and keep on supporting the multiplex.

Stay tuned for the Doug Mulray DVD Box Set Television Awards as well as the (yet to be named) Music Awards

Renovation Rant

Just like on TV. Just without the drama, excitement, amusement, entertainment...
From The Antisocial Bastard and The Iron Yuppie, creators of the critically ignored Antisocial Rant, comes their latest and greatest production. Coming to you this Summer, it is: ANTISOCIAL RANT!
The colours have never been better or talented. Antisocial Rant now stars colouring E486, E489, E156, and E398 as 'Miscellaneous background colour number 3', and introducing E186 in its weblog début.
No more bland layout. Antisocial Rant now features an edgier format, designed by the world's most famous and renowned fashion designers (well, it's actually made by some dude).
Antisocial Rant has been remodelled to feature 50% more political satire, 75% more explosions, 90% more gratuitous nudity and product placement, the exact same amount of comedy (ie. none), 200% more sex appeal, and .001% less boredom.
You want a plot. You got it. Antisocial Rant now has more plot twists than you can poke a stick at. Two terrorists for every corrupt politician. A hot steamy romance for every hot lusty affair (keep watching for the revelation between the love interest and her sister's cousin's uncle's evil wicca stepmother, twice removed). You want feelgood stories about a cat that can count, or fat people. You got it. This script was written by the finest writers in Hollywood, and stolen word for word from their respective TV sitcoms.
Critics have applauded Antisocial Rant, including: "Utter Crap. 5 stars" and "What in the hell is an Antisocial Rant? Get out of my house, you". Want to know what they are talking about. There's only one way to find out.
Antisocial Rant. Coming to a cinema near you.

Rated PG-13. Batteries not included.

No viewing of Antisocial Rant would be complete without official Antisocial Rant merchandise. Available from all good shops right now: The Iron Yuppie action figure, bottles of lost, the Antisocial Rant soundtrack, and the official Antisocial Bastard bootleg underpants. Buy them! (don'T mAke me reSorT to insErting an aRrAy of sublimiNal messages in this posT)

The Boiler Room

aka. Ice, Ice Baby
Humans have created some godawful situations in their lifetime: War, terrorism, and fast food kitchens (it's greasy. Very, very greasy). However, none of these can compare to the sheer mind-numbing torture that is: The job interview.

You walk into the office with the nervous posture that would put the Hunchback of Nostre Dame to shame. You nervously ask the reception lady (it's always a lady) where to go. Without even looking up, she condemns you to the row of chairs; half of them filed with equally nervous job applicants. You can just see the bricks dropping from their pants. The reception lady gets back to her tasks, wiping her hands clean of your presence.
They all look up at you. Upon realising that you are yet another applicant, they give you The Evil Eye. They shuffle themselves away from your direction, paranoid that you will, for some reason, steal their resume notes, even though you have absolutely no use of some crappy work experience job in some miscellaneous office filing papers to nowhere.
As soon as you take your seat, it becomes freezing cold. This is the effect of The Cold Shoulder. Everyone sticks to themselves, never speaking a word, never generating small talk, even though you all are brothers, bonded by interview trauma, about to be led like lambs to the slaughter. Even those who do bother making small talk are so nervous, that you can't understand a word of what they say, only hearing jittery gibberish.
You stare at the blank walls, somehow hypnotised by the emptiness. Paranoid thoughts pass through your head, transforming the inevitable-yet-unintentional truancy of the interviewer into a test of courage and faith.

Finally, after everyone else has walked the green mile to their interview, you are called. You flinch, surprised and horribly scared. You shuffle that little bit too quickly into the interview room, filled only with a bookshelf holding smelly 50-year old books, a poster with a rock climber and the word 'Courage', an empty chair, a bare desk and the interviewer. There is no natural light to speak of, only a single 75 Watt light bulb filling the darkness, yet not shielding you from the inevitable darkness of the upcoming events.
The interviewer stares at you, observing and over-analysing you as you sit down. They introduce themselves. You smile (badly) as you shake their hand, repeating their name over and over again in your head. They crap out a tangle of lies, claiming that you are important to their business, that you don't have to be so tense. Nothing could be further from the truth. You've already forgotten their name.
You give them your resume, your hand trembling like there's no tomorrow. You begin to panic as you over-over-analyse one of their blinks as a look of disappointment. They finally finish, saying that it looks good. You break out into another sweat as they put your beloved resume into a manila folder, disposing of it like a used tissue.
You stress like a man facing a shooting squad as they start shooting the Questions at you. "What can you bring to our business?" "Why do you want to work here" "Can you see yourself working here?". You blindly reply with answers that you spent all last night rehearsing in your head and to your rather pissed off family/roomies/significant other. Then they pull out the big guns: The absolutely worthless metaphorical questions. "If you were an animal, which one would you be?" "What would you do if ?” You stammer, pause, pause and pause some more, the awkward silence permeating the air like your sweat. You finally stutter out a reply that a 6 year old kid would make. They write down some notes. You begin to have a nervous breakdown.

At long last, you shake their hand again and farewell them. You get out of that room as quickly as you can. As soon as you step back into civilisation, you are ecstatic. You wish your other rivals the "best of luck", almost hugging and kissing them in your present state. They nervously reply and resume their hypnotic state, staring the wall infront of them.
You get home. And then it hits you, The Inevitable Lament. You lost that night's sleep regretting nearly everything that happened in that interrogation/interview.
You lose more sleep over the next couple of days sitting at the phone. Sitting, waiting, lamenting, hoping for that inevitable call...