Idle Thoughts: Final 9

Unplugged and untalented.

After skipping last week's festival of the whiny disco balls due to otherworldly commitments, I tuned into last night's episode of Idol with the lowest of expectations based on Episode Two - which, like the movie of the same moniker, was so awful and cheesy I spent the next few days huddled in the corner of my room in the foetal position repeatedly muttering "Ken Bruce has gone mad".

It may have been because of the aforementioned low expectations, but the kids this week weren't eye-gougingly bad like in the semis and the Paper-Scissors- episode (no rock - geddit?!). I'm guessing it's the no-expense-spared production values and band, which would make Elton John sound like some camp karaoke performance, or former Mousketeers sound like they are well past their prime (a tangential aside). Given their own instruments, they could actually pull of a decent note. At some points, I was even liking the performances. I was shocked. What was this strange sensation I was feeling? Thankfully, that odd lapse in common sense was diffused by the usual suspects delivering their man-meat trays of mediocrity (speaking of which), although I still had to shower myself for about eleventy hours afterwards to clean off that stench of shame.

(transition)

If there's only one lesson I can extrapolate from this episode if Idol, it is Don't Do Drugs, Kids that Mark Holden is in love with Daniel Mifsud, and could possibly want to conceive his babies. The camera angles didn't cover it too well, but if you looked carefully at the judges desk, you could see that Mark's end was actually slightly elevated at the climax of Daniel's performance. I'll let your sordid imaginations fill in the appropriate gaps (like Mark wants to fill Daniel's gaps, perhaps?).

In other words, Daniel's comatose performance was not worthy of a touchdown. I'm assuming that these things are supposed to only reserved for the most top shelf of Idol performances (though saying that is essentially like comparing a can of VB to a can of XXXX* - either way, it's still crap in a can). However, the two handed out this season (to Matt Corby last episode and Daniel this ep) make it seem like all you need to do to get one of these things is to get Mark Holden hot and excited. Maybe that's what a touchdown is - is it the official recognition that Mark wants to touch them down in the pants?

Even though these touchdowns aren't exactly going to be highlighted on an Idol contestant's resume when they end up applying for a gig at the local Maccas, the unfortunate reality in the touchdown is that the kids that get them will always be voted though for several rounds, no matter how undeserving of the label it is. It's essentially a golden ticket to the next few rounds - at the cost of more deserving contestants whose talents consist more than having some chesthair, a scarf, and the ability to make Mark Holden want to park his car into their cock garage.
For example...





* XXXX: It's like having sex in a canoe - Fucking close to water


Edit (1/10/07): "The love from Holden that dare not speak its name." The omniscient voice over reveals a bit of truth in the elimination episode package, per chance? (Holden: "Package? Whose package?! Daniel's package?!!1! *changes pants*")

Idle Thoughts: The first seven minutes of Semi Finals 3 and 4

Dicko: "Perform last"

First off, a comment of Lana Krost. I wrote in the last edition that her performance was shocking, but that she'd get through to the next round purely on the TB/HTM vote. And guess what? She did. BOW DOWN TO MY POWERS OF guesstimation PSYCHIC AWESOME!!!
(Incidentally, Lana is reported in the Blue Collar Rag as being "Half-American and half-Vietnamese but born in Australia." I'm surprised she hasn't been adopted by Angelina Jolie in her quest to collect a child from every race on Earth, possibly to form some sort of unholy United Colours of Benntton army. But I digress...)
Speaking of undeserving hacks, Marty Simpson was one of the kids from the other group of boys (the good one) who got through. Other than a pair of eyebrows to stun, he had nothing going for him in his performance, which was a boring as bricks version of an already boring as bricks song, (Over My Head) (who, on a side note, only seem to release the one song over and over again but with a different name).

I know I've just joined the Idol merry-go-round, but has it always been like this? Has it always been the case that there is, apart from one worthy contestant, one undeserving contestant who goes through every semi-final? This year, there has been Matt Corby as well as the aformentioned Lana and Marty who have gone through to the finals despite a lack of entertaining singing abilities.
I have two schools of thought concerning this business. Firstly, voters are shallow people who will vote purely based on looks. Both Matt and Marty (I guess...) have The Dean Geyer Effect going for them (which is symptomised by the immediate ovulation of every female in the room; and in some cases, men). As for Lana, she would've got through based on both the fingers of the TBs voting for the young one (a la Lisa Mitchell and [insert your own example here]) and the hands of the Horny-Teen-Males (ie. The Hand-To-Gland Rule).
The other theory is that if you perform last, you'll get through. That logic has appeared in this year's semis as regularly as bowel movements. All those who sung last, Jacob, Lana and Agro, have gone through. I reckon voters are easily distracted, who vote for their favourite, and...um...the last person.

Here's hoping the final round can break this rule.






HOW IS THIS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE?!

Idle Thoughts: Semi Final 2

Expect the expected

The second Idol semi-final has come and gone. My thoughts: The girls did decently, much better than the boys of the Semi Final the First; though that's kind of like saying you'd rather eat a piece of cake than a piece of crap- a godawfully homogenised, cliched and generally undeserving of 15 minutes of Idol fame (except for the odd WEIGHT CRISIS article in the local gossip rag) piece of crap. At least I could differentiate between the girls without having to refer to their costumes.

This sentiment, however, leaves me with little material to play with. I can't completely trash the girls voices, as that would make me a bit of a hypocrite; even worse, an Idol hypocrite - one of the lowliest labels possible.
And I can't pick on their costumes, as they didn't have the nafftastic conformity of the Night of the Scarves. That, and I'll probably be accused of being sexist. Even worse, I'll be on par with Kyle 'S&M Throat Fetish' Sandilands, who did go down that hazy path in commenting on Tarisai's pants, laying on several blatant subtextual hints of weight issues, something I'm sure Kyle will be familiar with (i.e. HE'S FAT!). Now there's an Idol hypocrite for you.
But I'll do my best. Prepare to be disappointed.

Speaking of nothing to do with winners, the aformentioned Tarisai was voted into the next round, as well as 17 year old Lana. Tarisai's inclusion was a no brainer - even if some viewers didn't like her, her voice, which was so loud that I think that the producers needn't bother giving her a mic, would have still echoed in viewers' ears as they blindly poked at their mobile phones. However, I'm not sure if she's aoing to appeal to the main voting demographics like some of the other contestants.
And that's where Lana comes in. Being the precocious 17 year old, there was no surprise in her getting through, despite a performance which was almost as weak as a Starbucks 'coffee' or an insult from Kyle the Cock. Performing Stacy Ann Ferguson's Big Girls Don't Cry didn't do her any favours in my eyes (but Ferguson's lack of talent is for another day). But clearly, she's fancied by both major voting blocs: the TBs ("OMG SHES A QTIE!!1!!") and the Horny-Teen-Males ("*thwap* *thwap* *thwap*")
What irked me the most about her inclusion is that it further pushes the fact that Idol is basically all about image. Yes, I know it's Idol, we're talking about. I know that singing is the least important aspect of this singing contest. But the whole image thing was pushed by all the judges, who each said in one form or another 'Awww. You're so adorable. I just want to gobble you up' etc.
On that note, Kyle revealed again what a twat he is, by saying to Lana that her performance should have been "sexier." This is a 17 year old girl we're talking about here. Yet Kyle wants this underaged contestant to be "sexier." You just have to question his motives. However legal eagles, I'm not going to specifically mention any ideas of inappropriate behaviour which may or may not end happily. I'm just saying the last thing we need is another Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera in her 'Dirrty' days hogging up the charts, let alone one from the factory of Idol.

*remembers Xtina's Dirrty phase*

*throws up*

It's a shame Cheray didn't get through. Her performance was respectable. Her particular stylings, however, would mainly appeal to an older demographic, and we all know older Idol voters don't actually exist; they're just like the Sandman or the Tooth Fairy (though last time I checked, the Easter Bunny was just about to be elected as CEO of a major Legal Firm, I won't remind you which one, as I'm sure you all know of this very common fact)


This is turning out to be a very typical series of Idol, and I can already tell that by the end of the series, I'll be shaking my fist at the TV when they pick the least desering winner. Despite that, I'll still tune in to the next two semi-finals with my 'Surprised' face on just in case someone at The Ministy of Truth Network Ten is watching me back via the telescreen*.



*Yes, I have been reading 1984, thank you for asking.

Idle Thoughts: Semi Final 1

Kyle (paraphrased):"All I can do is reiterate what Dicko and Marcia have said..."

Too true words from Kyle. Apart from one comment, all he did was copycat what the previous judges said, barely a scent of originality in sight. No wonder the producers put him on the right side of the table. I'm guessing it was for the best - if Kyle had to create more than one original thought per episode, he might strain something.

To the contestants, and I didn't like any of them. There was barely anything to differentiate from the lot, apart from what wacky costumes they wore, and even in that aspect, most of them adorned themselves in some form of silly neckwear. Husny, in particular, ended up looking like the result of a sordid one night stand between Prince, Flava Flav and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Whilst I'm here, I reckon Matt will make it far into the finals. He may not necessarily have the charisma, and I can't shake the feeling that he'd end up a Karaoke Princess, but he can hit the notes, but most importantly, the girls will think he's hot. That'll get the TBs flailing their fingers at their mobile phones and donating their 55c to the 'Corby Is Hot He Must Win LOL' fund. It's the Dean Geyer Effect all over again.
Vocally, they all even sounded the same. In one form or another, they all had that nasal R&B tone Guy Sebastian ran with in the first series. I'm guessing this blandness is the reason why these Idol kids (or at least the producers who dressed them) decided to give them all their distinctive costumes and neck trinkets, to give the viewers a way to remember them, cos we certainly aren't gonna recognise them by their original voices.
I should mention at this point that my tastes in male singers tend to have a voice that wouldn't even make it past the cattle calls (too much awsomeness for the Idol machine, maybe?). But last year's winner Damien Leith proved that Idol voters do actually respect a good crisp voice and songsmith, as opposed to some vocalist melismating their way through a butchered version of whatever song is popular at the moment.

And now an ordered list of like:
Jacob (Best by default. He didn't sound like some R&B cliché like the others - he sounded like a Rock Ballad cliché)
Carl (must...not...make...Village..People...joke...*head explodes*)
Matt (Stopping by Idol studios with a vanilla performance on his way to a Middle-Eastern Leaders themed dress-up party)
Junior (He sung Pink's Dear Mr. President without any political malice. Memories of punk rocker Lee Harding's version of Holiday come flooding back - I NEED AN EXORCIST AND A PLUNGER, NOW!!!!)
Daniel (He looked like he had just jumped out of a Lacoste catalogue. Wanker)
Husny ((from his profile)"Music is, like, is a big tool..." You're a big tool, Husny!)

Here's hoping tomorrow's batch of girls have some talent to them. We don't want a repeat of that train wreck from a few years ago.